Fiancée Fiascos
by Irritus185
Summary: Chapter 2 Updated! Keitaro is quite known for wanting to get into Tokyo U to be with his promise girl. But what if he also wanted to be accepted not only to be with one promise girl, but to get away from another one? It's gonna be one helluva ride...
1. Unwanted Visitors

A/N: Welcome to the first chapter of a brand new story called "Fiancée Fiascos!" The closest to the plotline of this story is something of Ranma ½, or at least the "fiancée" part. In any case, this will probably be one of the most psychotic stories I will ever write as well as showing my more depraved side which I've been repressing for a long time now. Eh…I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. In any case, I'm gonna be breaking the fourth wall like crazy in this fic, as well as introducing my muse, Evelyn. She's a crazy little bugger, she is (just don't tell her I said that; she'll beat me.) In any case, I hope you'll enjoy this new story! Too bad I haven't really come up with a plot yet…Oh well! Just read!

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina or any of its subsidiaries! How many times do I have to tell you this! Argh! It's like a broken record with you people! I don't own it, I don't own it, I don't own it! _(deep breath)_ Okay, I'm good.

**Fiancée Fiascos  
By Yamiga'sLight  
Chapter 1: Unwanted Visitors**

It was a beautiful day in Hinata. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and yet another act of perversion on a grand scale was being committed. Of course, those who had been living in Hinata for the past year or so would automatically know just where this horrible crime was taking place – in the halls of that most chaotic inn, Hinata House.

Keitaro – that poor, out-of-luck, down on his knees, wondering-just-when-heaven-had-forsaken-him man – was running for his life once again. This time it was from an enraged Motoko after walking in on her in the midst of changing for not the first but _third_ time that week. He rounded a corner just as she delivered a ki blast in his direction. He managed to avoid it but the resulting explosion's backlash caused him to fly halfway down the hall before rolling to a stop on the floor.

Motoko caught the hapless young man in her sights just as friction slowed him down. Her chest heaved heavily as she panted, her bounded breasts seen underneath her loose gi. Her eyes burned with rage, embarrassment, and revenge. "Urashima!" she roared. "How dare you peek on me in such a vile manner yet again!" She raised her katana over her head and slowly advanced on him. "I think its time to rid this place of your presence once and for all!"

Keitaro frantically scuttled away from the furious kendoist, only halting when the wall prevented him from going any further. Realizing the bind he was in, he tried his best to apologize. "Waaaahhh! I'm sorry, Motoko! I swear I didn't mean to go into your room! I just tripped!"

"No more excuses!" Motoko lifted the katana above her head and then…

Well, we all know what's going to happen. Keitaro gets his ass handed to him, he apologizes for the reason he was beat (which makes absolutely no sense to anyone with a lick of it), the girls forgive him, and the whole process repeats itself all over again. A simple and common occurrence, but one that can be easily disrupted if an unknown factor enters the fray – a wrench in the works so to speak. So…let's all go see what this wrench, this factor, this thing that will throw off the life of the Hinata house and all its inhabitants in ways you could never imagine…

The girls are going to learn just what it means to take something for granted and never really recognize its worth. Oh yes, they will learn this lesson the hard way. The _very_ hard way…

Two people stepped out of the trolley at its stop near the bottom of the stone staircase that led to Hinata House. At first glance you wouldn't think the two were related. But in all actuality they were, twins to be exact. However, other than the fact that the two were blood-related, the similarities were far and few in between.

A young woman with flaming red hair, green eyes, and a rack that could easily rival those of Mutsumi's bounced eagerly on the balls of her feet. A tight-fitting blouse and mini-skirt that snugly fit the contours of her body left nothing (and everything) to the imagination of those that saw her. A sense of excitement, fiery passion, and a nearly lustful nature was the easiest way to describe her personality.

In contrast, the young man had dark blue hair, bright blue eyes, and a face that most girls would swoon over. His clothes consisted mainly of baggy pants and a loose t-shirt. While his sister was eccentric, he instead seemed more bored with the situation than anything else. As if to prove this statement, he yawned languidly, scratching the back of his head as he did. He was cool, calm, and collected, characteristics that a certain landlord wished he owned but didn't.

The woman hitched her heart-shaped pack up and turned to her brother. "Do you _really_ think darling's here?" she chirped.

"Probably," he replied. "His parents said he was, and I doubt they would lie to us. Though if it were me I wouldn't have told you at all. Frankly I think this whole engagement thing is stupid."

She puffed out her cheeks and pouted prettily. "Darling didn't think it was stupid."

"Course not," the man chuckled. "He thought it was terrifying. Every time you mentioned it he either passed out or ran away screaming."

The woman's pout transformed into a dazzling smile. "But darling's had time to grow up and think about it. I'm sure he'll accept my love now!" Emboldened by this thought, she rushed up the stairs, taking them three at a time.

The man sighed and began to lug the pile of suitcases after her. "I doubt that," he mumbled quietly to himself. "You're scary no matter what age you are, sis."

FFFFFFFFFF

Haruka stepped outside of her teahouse, thankful for the break. It had been rather busy lately. Probably because of her customers getting to see the unofficial attraction of her nephew being bodily flung across the clear, blue sky. She absently noted that his beatings had become more frequent lately, probably because of the added girl, Mutsumi Otohime. More girls just meant more chests for her unlucky relative to fall into and then get smacked around.

Oh well, the thrashings were probably good for him, would give him character. Not to mention the extra income she was pulling in wasn't exactly hurting matters. She decided to conveniently ignore the stress her nephew was quickly being given each day. Besides, if things got too bad she would step in and help resolve matters. Not like she hadn't done such a thing before.

Haruka paused in lighting her cigarette when she noticed two people – a girl barreling up the stairs while a boy slowly followed her. The girl halted in her movements when she saw the older woman staring at her. A flash of recognition raced across her face. The girl bowed quickly. "Hello, Aunt Haruka. I hope you're doing well?"

Haruka numbly chewed on her cigarette, not quite sure how to react. Her usual stoic attitude had decided to go on vacation, a very rare occurrence indeed. "Uhh…fine. And you…?"

The girl smiled. "I'm fine. I'm going to see darling now! Oh…I can't wait to see the expression on his face! He's going to be so happy! Well, see you, Aunt Haruka!" She then took off, leaving the former housemother in a daze.

The young man arrived a few moments later. He smiled softly at the confused look on Haruka's face. He couldn't very well blame her; the act of them arriving was a monumental event…or at the very least, a very big, somewhat scary one. "Hey, Haruka, surprised to see us?"

She shook her head, finally able to rid the shock from her system. "A bit," she replied steadily. "So I'm guessing the whole thing is finally happening?" He nodded. "Well, I have only one thing to say – good luck. You'll need lots of it to make sure my idiot-of-a-nephew gets through it all alive."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know. Hopefully Kei won't die on the spot." He scratched his temple thoughtfully. "Though knowing my sister, this won't be an easy endeavor. Eh…"

Haruka nodded. "All you can do is hope for the best."

"Yeah…Anyway, be seeing you soon, Haruka!" With that the young man, began his ascent again. Haruka watched as he struggled a bit to keep the cases from falling before balancing them all and making his way up the stairs. She kept an eye on the two before throwing the still unlit cigarette on the ground. Stepping on it, she ground her feet until deciding to go back in.

This was going to be interesting. Knowing those two beforehand, she figured that the next several weeks were going to be even more chaotic than they usually were. Her nephew was not going to escape without his fair share of bumps and bruises. Hell, no one in Hinata House was going to escape without bumps and bruises. The place was going to turn into a war zone! On a positive note, her business would probably double or even triple with the crazy stuff that was bound to happen!

Haruka swept into her teahouse. Even she was a bit frightened as to what the future would bring. Knowing the relationship between those three was a surefire plan for really making everything go to Hell. This…was not going to end well, interesting or not.

"Screw the cigarette," she muttered to herself. "I need a drink – a good, _strong_ drink."

FFFFFFFFFF

A rapid, vibrant knocking caught the attention of the girls lounging in the lobby. Naru, who was going over a study guide with Mutsumi, looked at the door before directing her gaze at Shinobu. "Shinobu, could you get the door please? I'm helping Mutsumi." Helping was a skewed way of looking at it. It was more like she was trying to keep the anemic ronin from passing out and dying on her. The turtle lady had already had a couple episodes within the last hour or so. Frankly it was getting annoying having to revive her over and over again.

The blue-haired lass smiled and nodded. "Okay, Naru." She got up from her position next to Su and Sarah, who immediately took over the space she had left, and walked to the main doors. Not fast enough, however, as the knocking soon became violent banging. Shinobu took a step back in fright at the sudden barrage but then steeled herself, took the few last steps to the door, and flung it wide open. What awaited her was a body falling to the ground with a rather comical _splat_. "Urm…" She looked anxiously at the mass of red hair by her feet. "Are…are you okay?"

"Owwieee…" was its only response.

"Do not worry about my sister." Shinobu jumped when she noticed a stack of suitcases…_talking_ to her? A head popped out from the side of them, revealing the young man from before. He smiled gently, trying to calm the flustered girl down. "She's a very resilient person." He grunted as he dropped the suitcases, the cases making a bang when they hit the ground. "Now, if you would be so kind to tell me…is your manager around?"

Meanwhile, the talked-about person was currently making his way down the stairs to the first-floor, putting a band-aid on his new cut, compliments of Motoko's recent beating. _Jeez, she went all out this time, _he mused, wincing as he smoothed the bandage over. _I wish the girls were nicer to me. Things would go so much smoother if they did. _As he finished the last steps, he found Shinobu talking to someone at the door. "Hey, Shinobu, who's there?"

"Oh, sempai!" The young girl's demeanor brightened considerably at seeing her secret crush, which was secret only to Keitaro as Shinobu's actions around him were as plain as day to everybody else (another unfavorable trait of Keitaro's was that he was about as dense as a rock and had about the same intelligence as one too.) "These people wanted to speak with you."

"Hmm?" Keitaro murmured. "I wonder who it could…Aisu?"

The girls, intrigued by the fact that their landlord knew this new male, looked back to see this Aisu raise his hand in greeting. "Yo, Kei."

Keitaro's eyes widened and his face paled. He shakily raised a hand to point it back at Aisu. "I-if you're here, t-then does that mean _she's_ here, too?"

As if reacting to his voice, the young woman shot up from her fallen position, holding her arms in a beckoning manner. She called to him, want and desire oozing in her tone. "Darling!"

Naru's eye twitched in irritation at the endearment directed at her love/hate interest. "Darling…? Keitaro what did she mean by that?"

The only answer she received was a loud pop as air rushed in to fill the pocket that Keitaro had left behind from his hasty retreat. The sound of feet pounding up the stairs and out of earshot was the only inclination as to just where our unlucky hero was heading. Silence dominated the room as it took a few moments for the remaining people to register just how fast Keitaro had left. Aisu's sister was the first to recover.

"Darling?" The tears came.

"Why did you run away?" The maniacal glint in the eyes came.

"Darling…You've made me very angry, darling. And so…"

And then came the rope. As if by magic, a coil of rope appeared in the distraught(?) woman's hands. She snapped the rope tightly at its ends. "I must punish you for being naughty. So…very…naughty…" Giving off a laugh that was most common to evil villainesses, she quickly raced after her prey.

"Oh boy…" The girls, dumbfounded by this series of events, turned to Aisu as he shook his head in exasperation. "I knew this was how it would turn out." He sighed and ambled into the lobby before going up the stairs. "I suggest you come with me, unless you want your manager to meet a very pleasurable demise." Aisu called behind him.

The tenants took one last look at each other before clambering after the visitor.

FFFFFFFFFF

Keitaro dashed down the hall. Of all the problems, of all the people that brought chaos to his life, why did she have to be there? He would take any other type of torture – one of Naru's punches or Motoko's ki attacks or even one of Su's tama-missiles – _anything_ other than what was chasing him at that moment. This woman…this woman was his worst nightmare. If she caught him…

"_Daarlinnng…!"_

Well, he just wouldn't let her catch him, as the consequences were too disturbing for both words and human thought. "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Gotta run, gotta run, gotta run!" His cries were cut short when something lashed around his legs, causing him to fall. He looked down to see that a length of rope was wrapped around them, effectively preventing him from running anymore. He looked back up to see his object of terror casually strolling up to him, an end of the rope clutched loosely in her petite hands.

Her lips curled up into a feline smile. "Why must you run from me, darling? I just want to love you." She bent down onto her hands and knees and slowly began to crawl over Keitaro's prone form. Her tongue teasingly ran over her lips, her voice husky and laden with wonton ambitions. "Why can't you let me love you?"

He yelped lightly when she took his head in her hands, bringing it up so that his face was barely an inch from hers. "What are you doing here, Faia?" His voice was strangely calm compared to his earlier state of frantic anxiety. "I thought you were still in Kyoto."

"I was…" she purred. "But then I came here, just…to…see…you."

"But _why?" _

"I think you know why," she smirked. Her gaze switched to the band-aid on Keitaro's cheek. Her finger brushed against the wound, causing him to shiver involuntarily. As scared as he was of her, she was still a very attractive, very desirable woman, and her touch definitely had an effect on him. Aware of this, she whispered, "Aww, does darling have a boo-boo? Does he want Faia to kiss it all better?"

Her seductive actions did nothing to help his composure. "No, he would not. Please get off!"

Faia ignored his plea, instead opting to ridding the space between him and her. "Oh, but darling, I must…" Unable to scream in the real world, his voice oddly rendered useless, Keitaro screamed in his head, hoping that somehow his intangible voice would be able to rid himself of this temptress. It did not, and he could only watch hopelessly as her lips descended on him – closer…closer…closer…

"Sis, would you please get off of him? I think Kei's about to wet himself."

Faia broke off, glaring daggers at her brother. He merely stared back in amusement, the Hinata Honeys crowded behind him. He glanced behind his shoulders, taking note of the insanely jealous looks some of them were throwing at the buxom woman. "I also think these young women are going to rip you to shreds if you don't get away from their man anytime soon," Aisu added, jerking his thumb behind him.

A chorus of, "He's not my man!" followed his statement, blushes being spread around on the girls' faces like cigars at a birth.

Aisu regarded them with a shrug. "Sorry, my bad."

"Of course he's not their man! Darling's mine and no one else's!" She turned back to her frozen beloved, nuzzling her cheek to his very much like a cat would. "Isn't that right, darling?" Faia crooned softly.

Noticing the death looks being sent in his direction, Keitaro was finally able to reactivate his muscles. Flailing his arms around wildly, he cried in sheer terror, "For the love of God, Aisu! Get your sister off me!"

Faia's face drooped in disappointment. "What's wrong, darling?" she murmured softly yet loud enough for everyone to hear. "Don't you want me to be with you?"

"What do you frickin' think!" he snapped. The girls were surprised by his reaction. With their view of him as a pervert, they thought he would be deliriously happy if an attractive girl like this Faia was clinging to him like this. Instead, he appeared to very angry and spiteful towards her. Seeing him in this unsavory kind of mood surprised them too. He was extreme in every other type of emotion like joy or sadness, but anger? It just didn't suit him. Of course, these feelings were vastly overshadowed by their own feelings of anger.

Recoiling as if she were slapped, Faia stumbled off of his body. She held a hand to her chest, her eyes full of betrayal. "D-darling?" she blubbered. Big, fat tears began to role down her cheeks. "W-why are you being so mean, darling?" Her face fell into her hands, sobs wracking her body. All in all it was a rather pitiful sight. "I…I just w-wanted to see you. T-that's all…"

Aisu watched, sighing internally. His sister often resorted to this tactic whenever Keitaro denied her in one way or another. It was kinda underhanded, as all that were familiar with the young man knew what a softie he was. The moment he saw tears he instantly crumbled and gave in to the requests of those that shed them, especially if they were a girl and a pretty one at that.

His theory was right. Just when Faia had started to cry, Keitaro's hard glare melted. Shamed shined from his eyes as he reached out for the young woman's shoulders. "Aw, jeez, Faia…Please don't cry," he said, grasping her lightly. "I'm sorry. I'm happy that you and Aisu are here, really I am. See?" He grinned widely, which frankly made him look like an idiot but at least it got the job done.

Faia sniffled and hiccupped, adding to the effect that she was sooo forlorn. "R-really?"

"Uh-huh."

A joyful smile spilt open on her face and she launched herself at Keitaro, tackling him to the ground. "Oh, darling! I just _knew_ you couldn't be mad at me!"

Aisu sighed heavily, taking note of the helpless stares being sent at him from Keitaro. He supposed it was time to explain what was going on before Keitaro lost what little sanity he had managed to cling onto. That, and the fact that he could literally _feel_ the contempt and rage radiating off of the girls behind him as a result of his sister's blatantly shown affections. He stepped up to the entwined couple before hooking his arms under Faia's and pulling her off of Keitaro. "C'mon, sis, let's go."

She struggled under his grip but found that she couldn't escape no matter how hard she tried. "No! I have to be with darling!"

"You can be with him later," he muttered. "Right now we've got to tell these nice ladies why you began to molest their manager out of the blue."

"I didn't molest him," she snapped back. "Darling was enjoying it!"

"_Riighht_…" he drawled. "Anyway…" He turned to Keitaro, who by now had rid his legs of their rope bindings and was standing up, visibly sighing in relief that Faia wasn't glomping herself to him anymore. "Keitaro, I'm going to take my sister downstairs and wait. When you're ready, come down with your tenants and we'll help explain everything." Keitaro nodded in thanks, and Aisu nodded back before unceremoniously flinging Faia over his shoulder.

The poor girl pounded her tiny fists on his back, shouting in indignation. "Darn it, Aisu! Let me go! I have to be with darling! I have to be with darling!" He simply ignored her and quickly made his way down the steps.

When they disappeared from sight, the girls' thoughts were broken from the amusing scene and brought back to the matter at hand. They turned their eyes back on Keitaro, who began to sweat under the stares he was receiving. Su, Sarah, and Kitsune merely looked at him in curiosity and awe, as if seeing him in a new light. Mutsumi seemed a bit jealous over all of it, but it was greatly dominated by her usual veil of confusion and caring nature. Shinobu was on the verge of tears – no, scratch that – she _was_ in tears: full-blown abandoned-puppy-dog tears that occurred at least once every day. Motoko and Naru's expressions were nothing short of divine fury, their eyes glowering with unspeakable ideas of torture.

Naru was the first to react to the situation. She stepped forward, cracking her knuckles menacingly, her voice dripping with venom. "Kei-ta-ro…"

He smiled weakly and held his hands in front of him. "Urm…I can explain?"

"What's there to explain?" Motoko stepped forward to Naru's side, drawing her katana from its wooden confines. "You obviously used your vile ways to corrupt an innocent maiden. Why else would she act towards you in such a manner?"

"Innocent!" he cried. "Did you _not_ see how she tied me up!"

The two enraged females decided to disregard this fact. Oh no, stone cold facts weren't enough to deter them from the path of righteousness…They instead leapt at him, Naru cocking her fist back and Motoko raising her katana over her head. "No excuses, you pervert!"

Keitaro barely had time to let out an "eep" before both attacks connect with his skull. In the period of 1/1000th of a second, his head was shoved into the floor with enough force to break the wooden boards and send him plummeting back into the lobby. Luckily he landed on the sofa couch, his head lodged in between the cushions.

A moment later, Aisu and Faia came into the lobby as well. Upon noticing him, Faia flung herself from Aisu to run over and begin fussing over the unconscious young man. Aisu watched as she treated to him before blinking a couple of times.

"Wow. You sure got down here fast, Kei."

FFFFFFFFFF

"Ow! Stop that!"

"But darling, I have to treat your wounds…"

"Don't worry," he said, pushing her away. "I probably know more about first aid than anyone else here."

"Oh, are you going to become a doctor?"

"Err…no."

After Keitaro had returned to the land of the living, everyone had gathered in the lobby. The tenants sat on one side of the room while Keitaro, Faia, and Aisu sat on the other. The three were settled on the couch, Aisu and Keitaro on either end with Faia in the middle. Faia kept trying to bandage her beloved's head while he insisted that she didn't. Eventually she gave up, opting instead to cuddle up next to him to the discomfort of him and displeasure of the others.

As Faia snuggled into him, Keitaro sighed, surprisingly composed after all that had happened. He knew that there was no point in being all flustered over it. What was coming was coming. It had been coming ever since this whole blasted thing had started. He'd rather that it had never come at all but now that it had he'd might as well just grin and bear it. Fretting wouldn't make the experience any less painful. Or at least…that's what he hoped.

Naru growled as she watched that…that _floozy_ drape herself all over her Keitaro! Wait…_her_ Keitaro? Since when did she start to think of that idiotic pervert like that? No, this wasn't the time to think of such things. She smiled, her voice pleasant enough but the strained underlying tone might have proved otherwise. "So, um, are you two friends of Keitaro?"

"You could say that," Aisu replied. "My name is Aisu Kiyu and this is my sister, Faia Kiyu. Our parents and Kei's parents have been friends for a long time, so we've known each other since childhood."

"And the reason that your sister seems to…attached to Keitaro?"

"That? That's easy!" Keitaro sighed, putting his bandaged forehead into the palm of his hand. Well, now was the moment of truth. The only question was whether he would survive past this point or not. Faia tightened her grip on the young man's arm, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm darling's fiancée!"

"Oh? His fiancée? That's nice…"

It was then the full meaning of the word struck them.

"FIANCEE!"

There goes the wrench. The author wonders just how screwed up this story will become.

All of the girls sprung to their feet at this confession. Much to their surprise, Keitaro stood up as well. However, he began to walk away, his movements freakishly steady and smooth. Faia looked at him in concern. "Darling, where are you going?"

He looked over his shoulder, giving a smile that sent a chill down the girls' spines. "I'm going to the springs to drown myself," he replied, as if it were the most sensible reaction ever. "If I'm not back within five minutes, you'll know I'm dead."

Aisu waved him off. "Go knock yourself out." Keitaro nodded his thanks and disappeared down the hallway. The girls looked back at Aisu in shock at his nonchalant attitude towards their landlord's threat of suicide. He shrugged. "Kei did this every so often when he couldn't take the pressure anymore." He turned to Faia. "Right, sis?"

"Uh-huh," she nodded. "Remember the time he snuck into the lion's den at the Tokyo Zoo?"

"How could I forget?" he laughed. "I still can't believe he just walked up to the male and asked it to eat him. He _really_ didn't want to marry you, did he, sis?"

"Excuse me!" The two looked up to see a panic-stricken Naru waving her arms in front of her. She couldn't believe how well they were taking this. It was as if Keitaro had just asked them if they wanted a cup of tea or something. "Does it not matter to you that Keitaro said he'd kill himself!"

Aisu blinked. "He's not dead yet, is he?"

A splash in the distance punctuated his sentence. Time crawled at a snail's pace as the inn's tenants worried their brains out while Faia and Aisu seemed peacefully oblivious to the situation. Being able to hear a pin drop was an understatement in the grossest sense of terms. Space's ephemeral cousin snapped back into place a few minutes later when Keitaro walked back into the lobby. Water fell from his drenched head in rivulets as he took his place back at Faia's side, acting as though nothing had just happened.

Aisu smiled. "You done now?"

He nodded, splashing lukewarm water all about the floor. "Yeah, I'm good." He then turned to the girls, who had a mixture of emotions traced across their faces, concern and confusion the most prominent amongst them. Ah, they seemed to be taking this well…Or at least that's what his mucked-up brain was trying to convince him of. In reality, this was probably the farthest from the truth. Poor bastard…

"Well…" Keitaro gave that vacant smiled again, which only entailed more anxiety for the rest of them. "Now you know that I'm engaged!" He waved his arms in an erratic fashion. "Ain't life grand! I'm engaged, I'm engaged, I'm…" His face suddenly contorted into abject despair. "I'm screwed. Oh lord, I'm so frickin' screwed…" He dropped his face into his palms, groaning.

Looks like the well-oiled machine just popped several bolts. Ewww…this isn't gonna be pretty.

Aisu glanced at the silently weeping Keitaro. He was being comforted by Faia but barely appeared to notice, far too lost in himself. Maybe that was a good thing, as he wouldn't freak out as long as he didn't know it was actually Faia comforting him. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Keitaro's weepings became audible, showing just how torn up he really was.

Or not.

Aisu sighed. Might as well tell them what was going on before Keitaro went psychotic. Absently he wondered just how well the women would take the information. With a grain of salt? Not so well? Or would his hapless friend end up with his innards splayed around the floor, wall, and ceiling? For a moment, Aisu allowed a sinister smirk to creep its way out of his lips before quickly swallowing it back down. Mmm…that actually sounded quite interesting…

Mmph, looks like a piston just cracked.

"Ladies? If I may have a bit of your attention?" They tore their eyes from the sobbing landlord, obviously eager to find out just what the hell was going on. He smiled. "Thank you. Now if you would be so kind as to listen, I'll tell you all you need to know." He leaned back on the couch, clasping his hands on his stomach. "My sister was telling the truth. She and Kei really are engaged." He paused for a second, stealing a glance at his stricken friend. "Though I wouldn't say it was a mutual agreement."

"How could it not be mutual?" He gazed at the young kendoist who spoke. Motoko had her sword laid across her lap. Her face was one of apathy, though a hint of skepticism could be seen if one looked hard enough. "Though I would understand if your sister was displeased, I cannot believe a great a pervert as Urashima is would be nothing short of ecstatic."

"Kei? A pervert?" Aisu spared another look at the accused who by now had calmed down from his previous depression but was now rather antsy for another reason – Faia had literally begun to paw at him. A few seconds silence was his reply until he began to chuckle uncontrollably. Soon he was laughing, full-blown laughter no less. "Him! You're calling _Kei_ a pervert? Ha! You couldn't be farther off!" He put a fist to his mouth, trying to stifle his mirth.

Motoko's lips twitched in annoyance. "I assure you," she grated. "I am quite serious of my statements. Urashima is a prime example of just how lecherous and weak males can be."

Aisu decided to ignore this indirect insult on him. Now wasn't the time to argue about the faults of men and women. "Let me guess…" He leaned forward, steepling his hands in front of his jaw. "He'll trip and yank you're clothes down. Or he'll walk in on you while you're changing or bathing. Am I close?"

"YES!" the girls answered as one. Aisu smiled.

"He's done the same to my sister." Naru and Motoko stood up and advanced on the young man. Keitaro did not move, knowing that it was futile. Whether he ran or not made no difference, he would die either way. Maybe he would die a little later but…Actually, that didn't sound half-bad. Screw this, he was going to run as fast as he possibly could – which was actually pretty far, pretty quickly considering how much exercise they got.

"…And me."

The two girls (and Keitaro) stopped in their tracks. "Eh?"

"Not to mention my parents, his parents, various relatives…" Aisu held up fingers as he rattled them off. "Half the alumni populous of our middle, junior high, and high school, some random people on the street…" He leaned back again. "Kei might be the nicest person you'll ever meet but it doesn't excuse the fact that he's the most uncoordinated and unluckiest being on the face of the planet." Aisu slapped his head when a memory resurfaced. "Like that time we were in gym class and some dog managed to sneak in and steal his shorts."

"That's right!" Faia squealed. "Darling looked so cute in his heart boxers!"

Keitaro groaned miserably. "Guys, if you're trying to make me look better, then stop. You're only giving the girls more stuff to tease me with."

That much was true. Su and Kitsune were still teasing him about what happened on Valentine's Day last year, and since Sarah now resided there the teasings had somehow tripled in amount. Every time he thought they had forgotten, one of them would come up to him and ask how the "lonely chef" was doing. His life was bad enough as it was; he didn't really need it to get any worse.

Aisu regarded Keitaro's request with a rueful smile. The poor boy had had so much strange things happen in his life and now they were there to make it even stranger. Not that Aisu could stop his sister from being with her "darling" even if he tried. The girl could overcome any obstacle by pure stubbornness alone. Speaking of obstacles, it appeared her next one she was trying to pass was to get Keitaro to accept her advances and not act like she was a leper.

"If anything," he continued, waving his hands at Faia who was currently trying to snuggle up with Keitaro. "My sister is the one who's the pervert. Half the time he walked in on her half-naked was because she asked him to, claiming that she needed him for something." Aisu laughed briefly. "Faia has tried every single way to get some kind of sexual attention from him. Hell, she tried to kiss Kei once by beaning him in the head with a baseball bat and then give him CPR."

"And I would've gotten away with it too if darling hadn't woken up."

Keitaro sweatdropped. "You know, Faia, you honestly scare me at times."

Her lips curved into a feline grin. She leaned forward, purposely dragging her lightly clad bosom across his bare arm. "And does that turn you on?"

Anyone know what part just fell out the bottom? Hope it wasn't something important…Oh wait, it has a label on it…

_**Main Cooling System – if this part is harmed in any way, shape or form then run for your miserable, pathetic lives unless you desire to die in horrible pain-writhing agony…**_

…

That can't be good.

Seeing an imminent fight was about to break out from the way Naru's hand was clenching and unclenching, as if unconsciously wanting to strangle something (or someone) Aisu coughed to divert their attention. "Ur-hrm! I believe we have gotten far off track. Don't you want to know just why these two are betrothed? I doubt you'll find out murdering someone."

Keitaro gave a silent prayer of thanks to whoever it was up there.

The author thanks him for the gratitude but is afraid to say the worse has yet to come.

"Simply put, our parents arranged it. When we children, they decided to wed them of together." He turned to the engaged couple and smiled. "Faia was thrilled. Kei was a different story all together. I've never seen a man more scared of marriage in my entire life." He put a hand to his chin in a pensive manner. "Then again I've never known another married man my age so I have nothing to base it off of."

Kitsune took this opportunity to add her two cents. "Jeez, Keitaro, I never would have thought you capable of this!" she grinned. Although she knew Naru had feelings for the landlord, she also knew her friend's wishy-washy personality would forever prevent her from pursuing these feelings. Maybe this new threat would jolt her out of her rut as it appeared the carefree Mutsumi simply wasn't enough. "Already engaged and yet still chasing after other women. Ya really are a perv!"

"Who ever said I wanted to get married?"

His reply to her ribbings surprised them. This was not just because he was actually able to answer rationally, an occurrence that was just as uncommon as what was happening now, but also because of the way he spoke – with total seriousness. Never did he talk in such a voice, steady and free of any hesitation whatsoever. He was a different person, one they did not know. One…they did not know to act around.

Heh, not like it lasted long.

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean, _darling? _"

Keitaro gulped as he swore he heard something snap. This snap was most likely coming from the woman who had a grip on his arm – a grip that was swiftly becoming tighter and more painful with each passing moment. "Just…just what it means."

"Oh really?" Faia's eyes grew brighter and more fearsome with each word she spoke, as though a fire was consuming her from the inside out. "And just why is that you don't seemed pleased marrying me, hmm?" She slowly began to inch over him, much to the chagrin and amusement of those watching.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Naru shouted. As much as she didn't like to admit it, she didn't enjoy standing by while some two-bit tramp crawled all over her man. Whether or not Keitaro was actually hers was yet to be discussed nor did it matter. "Get off him! Now!"

Faia ignored the auburn-haired girl, continuing her travel up Keitaro's body. "Aren't I pretty enough? Sexy enough? Devoted enough? What is it you hate about me so much?" Her hands crept up to cradle his cheeks. He shivered involuntarily. She smiled. "Because if you tell me what it is, I'll fix it. I'll do anything for you darling." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "_Anything…_"

Oh dear, is that smoke? It would appear the total and absolute destruction of the machine is at hand. Just one little push is all it needs and everything will come tumbling down. Then again, what good is a story if you can't add a bit of humankind's sadistic charm? Eheh heh heh…Hahahahahaha! _Bwahahahahaaaa_—Eep!

_The author is yanked from his keyboard. _

Please excuse us as the author is punished for his demented ramblings. As soon as he's done taking his pills he'll come back to write more so as to corrupt your fertile young minds to serve as his slaves. Soon he will become lord ruler of the world! Repent! Repent for the Apocalypse is at hand! Ee–

_The author smacks his muse in the back of her head with a two-by-four and drags her off. _

The author apologizes for any insults his muse might have caused to the viewers. She tends to make fun of him lot so disregard any of her words. The author's plans for world domination are not true…At least until he's able to perfect his hypnosis machine…

…

Did the author say that out loud?

…

Get back to the story!

_The author pulls out a dangerous looking ray gun. Best to keep reading. Don't worry, he'll calm down after a while…We hope. _

"Because…"

"Because what, darling?" she whispered. "Tell me."

"Because…" Faia descended, much too close for comfort.

"_Because it'd be like marrying my sister!" _

There we go. Nice, ain't it?

The girls gasped, Aisu slapped his palm into his face, and Faia's eyes widened. "W-what?"

"I said it'd be like marrying my sister!" Keitaro shoved Faia off of him and stood up, his arms ramrod straight and his fists clenched so tight that the knuckles turned white. "Jeez, Faia! We grow up together as children and then I'm told I have to marry you when we're old enough? How'd you think I'd react! Or did the fact that I made my parents promise that if I got into Tokyo U the engagement would be cancelled not register properly!"

At this, the girls looked up in surprise. They always thought he was trying to get into Tokyo U to be together with that promise girl of his, not to run away from another one. Keitaro continued, too caught up in his released irritation and anger to realize that what he was saying was affecting them all in ways he wished never would.

"I mean, c'mon! You'd think after seeing me keep trying year after year to get out of our engagement you'd dump my ass! Why won't you?"

"Because I love you!"

"Well, I _don't_ love you!"

Aisu's other hand went up to his face. Oh dear, things were definitely getting out of hand now. If this argument went on any longer Faia's repressed sexual tensions (well, at least for her) would break and Keitaro would soon find himself with a very aroused young lady on him. He doubted his friend would be able to withstand the pressure and then take one of two options. Either he would pass out or actually, God forbid, respond to his sister's actions. Aisu viciously hoped for the former. Meanwhile, the battle continued.

And it seemed Aisu's prediction was about to come true.

"Then I'll _make_ you love me! I'll show you so much love you won't be able to anything _but_ love me!"

"Hey! What are you doing!" Keitaro squawked. "Don't come any closer! Stay awa-mmph!"

They all gawked as the blazing-haired girl tackled him, aggressively capturing his lips with her own. Keitaro gave little resistance before submitting to his romantic captor.

The author wonders how much it costs to buy a new machine because this one is completely scrapped. Eh…screw it. The author doesn't even have enough money to be sued by the machine's owner, let alone buy and recalibrate a new one. Poor, stupid people…The author also wonders how long it'll take before the mob reading this story tears him to bits.

_Banging is heard from the author's door to his sub-space room. Angry yelling is heard from outside of it. _

Shit.

Keitaro found himself turning philosophical as Faia kissed him. It was strange…did every person kiss differently? With Mutsumi it had been done gently, slowly. Though she didn't ask of anything more than the kiss, he had been too shocked by the sudden intimacy to stop her and she had gone on for a good ten seconds before breaking off, smiling that tender, loving smile of hers. Though his first kiss had been stolen away, Keitaro had been oddly relaxed after it ended. Maybe that was just Mutsumi's charm, to calm down any person no matter excited they were. Not like it lasted long after Keitaro discovered that Naru had been observing them the entire time.

Naru's was…different. Though the one at the beach had been nothing more than a clashing of teeth due to Sarah's heel drop to the back of Naru's head, he had felt a certain amount of pleasure along with it. Her lips were soft, much softer than Mutsumi's, even with the added sand from Sarah's sleep-laden attack. Keitaro had felt something pass between them, an understanding of sorts, from the moments too long her mouth had lingered on his. She may have denied any happening afterward but he could have sworn she smiled at him, one that filled him with such warmth and contentment. Not like that lasted for very long either when Kitsune made the joke of them getting "closer" on the island; Naru had punched him into an okonomiyaki stand for that.

And Faia's was…Well, there were a bunch of words Keitaro could use to describe how she kissed – demanding, attentive, desiring. Oh, not to mention very, _very_ passionate . He absently wondered if he would run out of air before she stopped. Oh, and her lips were quite soft as well, though they felt strangely pebbly and moist. Wait…those weren't her lips, it was her tongue…How nice. Hmm, if he opened his mouth and let her in, would she taste like lemon, like he had heard from the girls during that day they all went kissing-crazy? Or would she taste spicy, much like her personality?

Around this time, Keitaro's survival instincts came rushing in and kicked his philosophical circuits out of his brain's operating chair. It quickly took its place and brought up the functions of his body. Its master couldn't take much more – two options was all it had left. It looked the two over – the first one was safe, the other risky. But the second one did have some rather intriguing results…Suddenly a vision appeared in its eyes – its master in a pool of his own blood, a demon looming over him with her fist splattered in his precious fluids. It "shuddered." Never mind, it'd use the tried and true method.

Initiating option one…Cutting blood flow to brain. Shutting down all systems. Reboot at a later unknown time. Process complete.

Keitaro promptly passed out, a nosebleed tricking out from his nostrils.

Faia, unable to hold Keitaro's heavy, limp form, dropped him. He made a _thump_ when hitting the ground. If a person who was new to the antics of Hinata House had walked in on that moment, they would have found the scene quite hilarious. However, should they know the prelude to this event and what the possible consequences were…they would have dashed out of their as fast as their little legs could carry them screaming bloody murder.

Heh…they're the smart (and lucky!) ones. What happened next could only be described as a riot. Well, if the cause of a riot could be some female who just made out with the one man each of the Hinata Honeys had formed a special place in their hearts for. Oh yes, blood was going to spill. And not from the person who usually did in scenarios such as this.

Just as the girls were about to get up and start protesting this display, Naru leapt forward, her face full of fury, and brought a hand soundly across Faia's cheek. The slap reverberated throughout the room, quickly followed by its twin when Faia repeated the action on Naru. Tensions grew as the two stared each other down, each one sporting a well-inflamed cheek that hinted at the start of what could be a very lovely bruise.

Aisu was the first to come out of his stupor. Even he, who so prided himself on keeping cool and unfazed in any situation, was shocked by this turn of events. So far he thought that the girl who had attacked his sister held no feelings for the unconscious landlord, as all of her actions he had perceived pertained to the opposite. But from what he had just seen showed that either this girl was still unsure of her feelings…or just very good at hiding them.

He stood up and took a step towards them. "Okay…just calm down, you two. Nobody here wants a fight to break out."

"Stay _out_ of this, brother," Faia growled.

"Yeah, I've got to teach this bitch a lesson."

"_I'm_ the bitch! _You're_ the one who slapped me for no reason!"

"I slapped you because you had to go and kiss _my_ Keita–"

"QUIET!" They instantly stopped arguing and turned to an incensed Aisu. His eyes were shining fiercely, the texture of his voice icy and perilous. Like a road in winter, one false move around him could conclude in horrible injury. "You two will sit down _now_." They did so. He continued, his words harvesting fear even in Motoko's mind. "None of you will move, none of you will say a word unless I say otherwise. Do I make myself clear?" This time everyone nodded, save Keitaro who was still unconscious. "Good."

He looked at Naru. She withered under his gaze. "Miss, I don't know what kind of relationship you have with Kei but it doesn't give you the right to harm my sister…" Aisu turned and smiled at the mentioned party. "No matter _how_ big of a fool she can be."

Faia flushed. "_Brother_…" she whined.

"Don't think you get off scots-free, sis," he interrupted. "You are just as at fault as she is. She might have hit you first, but I don't condone your actions. Mom and dad taught you better, right?"

"…right."

"Good! Well, now that we all understand, I believe it's time to wake up this poor idiot." He jerked his thumb at Keitaro's sprawled form. He was mumbling incoherently, his face formed into a look of fright/annoyance. Aisu sighed internally. He wondered how the man to react to his request, the reason why he and Faia had come to Hinata House in the first place. Aisu suspected that Keitaro wouldn't allow it too easily but he did have to try. Ah well, he'd jump that hurdle after he came to it. Right now, he needed Keitaro conscious.

Aisu glanced at the other girls. He quickly locked onto the girl he had first met there. Shinobu fidgeted nervously when she felt his gaze on her. She didn't know why but she felt very anxious around him. Unlike Keitaro, who always made her feel safe and warm whenever he talked or looked at her, this man felt…cold, uncaring. But…She looked up at him. He smiled. He _was_ trying to be nice so the least she could was be nice back.

Aisu smiled again. She was acknowledging him; that much was good. He didn't need them to like him, just…know that he was there. Liking him…wouldn't be necessary until a later date, but only if Keitaro agreed to his and request. "Miss," he said. "If it isn't too much to ask, could you get me a glass of water to help wake him up?"

Shinobu nodded and quietly walked into the kitchen. She returned a minute or so later, the asked-for object held in her tiny hands. Aisu took it from her, but instead of splashing it on Keitaro's face like she thought he would, he drained it in one gulp and handed it back to her with a "thank you." Shinobu watched with wide eyes as he began to slap her sempai's face as a wake-up call. "Hey, c'mon, Kei, get up. I need to ask you something."

After a mild knock-around, Keitaro slowly woke up, his eyes opening groggily. "Oh man, I had the worst dream," he muttered softly. "Aisu and Faia came over, and Faia _kissed_ me. That was scary…" His voice was muddled and confused, attesting to the fact that his mind was still clinging to sleep. It wasn't until his eyes fully focused on Aisu that he completely woke up. Of course, it might have been better if he had just stayed asleep. His eyes bugged out and his jaw slacked. "Oh, shit! It wasn't a dream!"

Just as his eyes rolled into the back of his head to pass out again, Aisu shook him roughly and let out a small growl. "Kei…" he whispered in a voice meant only for his friend. "If you do that again, I'll give you to Faia and let her have her way with you."

Well, that did the trick. Keitaro's eyes snapped open and he shook his head frantically, whimpering at the idea. Aisu nodded in approval and helped him back onto the couch. Keitaro wondered why it was so quiet all of a sudden but wasn't given the time to dwell on it when Aisu spoke up. "Well, you're probably wondering just _why_ we're here, huh?"

He blinked a couple of times, sighed, and then rested his chin on his clasped hands. "Yeah, that would be nice, I guess."

"Well, to put it simply, Faia wants to live here, starting today." He raised a hand to Keitaro's, not to mention everyone else's, objections. "Let me finish. Whether you like it or not, Kei, my sister is totally smitten with you. The fact that you two are engaged doesn't exactly hurt that. She wants to live here to prove to you that she would make a good wife and, hopefully, persuade you to love her in return. All in all, I don't find that too much to ask."

"But I…but she…but we don't…hmph." Keitaro fell silent. Honestly, he agreed with Aisu. A girl who had feelings for him was trying to get him to return the same in kind to her. Not much to ask at all (it didn't matter that her advances scared the holy bejeezes out of him but…) In fact, even he had to admit this, trying to do the same with Naru was probably harder. It was then he realized a twisted facet to his relationships. What he was going through with Naru was what Faia was going through with him.

It was like an altered game of musical chairs. Except instead of chairs, they used hearts. He was trying to get into Naru's while Faia was trying to get into his. A sick version of unrequited love.

Did Faia feel the same sadness, the same heartbreak he did? Did she ever think it was hopeless at times? Did she ever just want to rip her hair out by the roots for all the insanity he might've put her through? Did she?

Did he…?

All…the…frickin'…_time! _

Besides, he needed the money. Even working with Seta and that short stint at the Beach Hinata Café, his finances barely kept afloat. Surely a couple more boarders could help out with his money problems…His memories came back, reminding him of all the crazy shit that had happened whenever the three of them were in close proximity to each other. Full-blown anarchy was an understatement.

Then again…he might lose Hinata House (and more!) much quicker than he would care for…Oh well…

Keitaro sighed. "Fine, I'll let you stay." Faia's face broke out into unadulterated joy while Naru's slightly contorted into anger. "But only on _two_ conditions. One…" He held up a finger. "Faia must work just like all the other girls in cooking and cleaning. And two…" He held up another. "Aisu has to come live here as well. I'm _not_ letting Faia live around me without him watching her."

Aisu gave a short laugh. "Of course I'm gonna live here, too! I'm not gonna let you be near my sister when we both very well know what she's capable of. Besides…" He waved at the pile of luggage located by the front door. "Did you really think all of that belonged to just Faia?"

"To be honest? Yes, I did."

"Heh, you never cease to amuse me, Kei."

"Urashima!" The two friends stopped in their banter when Motoko stood up, her voice in total outrage. "I will not allow this! It's bad enough that you are living here, but I will not tolerate another male to desecrate this girl dormitory!"

"For once, Motoko, I don't _care_ what you think." Her mouth snapped shut at this, even herself surprised at the landlord's sudden growth of a spine. Keitaro did not know where this bout of courage to talk to his tenants in such a way originated from but he suspected it had something to do with Faia. Compared to what she might do to him unless Aisu kept her in check (something he found _highly_ arousing but was quickly squashed by the fear her actions brought), any of the measurements taken by the girls in their wrath of letting another guy into their dorm seemed like nothing more than a love tap to him. Not only that but he had another reason to do so as well…

"I care about you, Motoko." She flushed at this comment, something he actually found cute for once instead of terrifying. He knew that expression of hers often preceded a quick ki attack that blasted him off into the atmosphere, but with his newfound confidence he didn't really think of this bad result. "As well as the rest of you. But these two are friends that I've had since childhood so I won't hesitate to deny your desires. I am landlord after all and do have the final say in the matter. I won't turn them away and that's that."

Aisu grinned at the startled and disgruntled looks on the others after Keitaro's speech. "Jeez, Kei…since when did you start standing up for yourself?"

He laughed sheepishly in response. "Urm, I really don't know."

"Oh, darling…" Keitaro jumped when he felt a hand slide down his arm. He turned to see Faia beginning to lean over him again. "I knew you would let me stay…"

"That's nice…But could you move away a bit? Please?"

"I can't! I have to thank you!"

"No! That's okay! Really! Just…"

"Darling!"

"Gyahh!"

"Hey! Get off him!"

"No!"

"Sempai!"

"Urashima!"

"It wasn't my fault!"

"_Keitaro!" _

And Aisu simply sighed. "Oh, lord…"

FFFFFFFFFF

"Well, you certainly own a lively place."

"Urgh, don't remind me."

Keitaro sunk deeper into the hot springs, gurgling out his irritations. Because of reasons he didn't want to think of, the girls had surprisingly let him and Aisu take a bath in the normally forbidden springs. He mused on the matter, wondering what other things they would do now that they knew he was actually engaged. Him! Of all people! Keitaro Urashima, a complete loser when it came to the workings of the female mind, had a gorgeous and hot babe as a fiancée! Unfortunately, most of them consisted of him dying in various ways – painful, slow, unheard of cruelty ways…And nearly all of them had Naru as the executioner.

He sighed. Well, this complication certainly shattered any chance of him getting together with Naru…or any girl for that matter. "Hi, I already have a fiancée but I'd like to go out with you" wasn't exactly the smoothest pick-up line to date. He had hoped that he could've gotten into college and broken off the engagement before any of it had become common knowledge. It wasn't that he didn't like Faia, he did; just definitely not in the marriage sense. He wanted to marry someone because he loved her, not because he was forced to.

Still, if he _was_ forced to marry Faia, would it work out? Would he be able to grow to love her, or would Naru always be tugging at the back of his mind? Could he truly be with Faia if his heart was eternally separated, one half moving forward while the other clung to the past? Eventually both halves would grow too far apart and, like a rubber band stretched too tight, they would snap back together and collide. If that happened, would his heart be able to take it? or would it crumble and throw him into dark and dismal misery? Like he felt right now, like he couldn't breath?

Keitaro sputtered and threw his head out of the water. _Stupid. Spent so much time in the water thinking that I forgot to breathe. _He felt a pair of eyes on him and turned to find Aisu staring. He frowned. "What?"

Aisu shook his head. "Nothing. It's just that…you've changed." Keitaro tilted his head, his frown dissolving into a bewildered smile. His eyes silently asked what the blue-haired boy meant. Aisu waved it off. "Forget it." He settled into place, putting his arms behind him and leaning backwards. "Faia's changed a lot too, don't you think?"

Keitaro couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, she's gotten really pretty. I mean, I always thought she was cute when we were kids but now she's beautiful." He sighed again as he placed a damp cloth on his forehead. A thought had been plaguing him ever since the siblings had arrived, and now as the best time to ask. "Hey, Aisu?"

He opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Why does your sister like me so much? I'm not that much of a catch. I'm not handsome like you are or smart or strong. I'm a bit of a coward; I can't even say how I feel. I'm clumsy and accident-prone. I literally have no redeeming qualities." Keitaro removed the cloth and looked at Aisu, his eyes pleading. "Just what is it? Just what does Faia see in me that others or even I don't?"

Aisu didn't answer. Keitaro waited a few moments before laughing bitterly. "See? Nothing." He slapped the cloth back on his face, the fabric muting his words. "She must be crazy to actually like me."

"You're kind." Keitaro peeked from under the cloth. Aisu was staring at the water's surface, a small smile on his face. "You're a very kind person, Kei. You're sweet and unselfish. You'll do anything for anyone even at the cost of your own happiness." He looked up. "_That's_ what sis sees in you – the fact that you always try your best, no matter. Whether it be to make someone happy or achieve your own ambitions."

"But how can she! My ambitions are to get into college and out of marrying her! How can she still like me when I make it so clear I don't feel the same way?"

"Do you hate her?"

Keitaro blinked at the abrupt question. "What?"

Aisu repeated the question. "Do you hate her?"

Keitaro shook his head frantically. "No! Of course not! How could I? It's just that…" He trailed off and sighed. "I don't know…"

He smiled sadly. "Faia's a very stubborn person. Once her heart and mind are set _nothing_ can stop her. She knows how you feel but she won't stop hoping that you'll change your mind. She'll plow ahead, until you either love her or hate her. To her, anything's better than what's going on – you avoiding her on this marriage thing yet not saying you want nothing to do with her. She wants to know."

"But _why? _"

Aisu sighed. "Kei, do you remember when we first met?"

A reminiscent smiled tugged on Keitaro's lips. "How could I forget? She treated me like the girls here first did – like dirt."

He laughed. "Yeah, well…" Aisu leaned back and folded his hands behind his head, gazing up at the twaining sky. It was slowly getting darker out, the sun setting beyond the horizon as stars began to twinkle in its absence. Almost a perfect moment to talk about times long past and gone. "Faia was always very outspoken as a child, so a lot of kids didn't like to be around her because they thought her to be too bossy or high-strung."

"Like how she called me a wimpy, little shrimp."

"Heh, odd thing to call your future fiancé, huh? In any case, you never gave up on her. You were always by her side, no matter how mean or rude she was to you. Even I gave up after a while, tired of her always nagging me and telling me how things were supposed to be done. And I was the older brother! I was the one who was supposed to be patient with her!"

Aisu laughed at this. During their younger years, Faia always acted like she was the first-born, that she was the one in charge. But as the years went by, he eventually came to his place, making sure he kept care and watched over his little baby sister. So much had changed since they were kids. Only one thing hadn't…his sister's love for Keitaro.

"But you stayed by her, Kei. You always did. When the other kids made fun of her for being so high and mighty, you were there. Whenever she was hurt and I was off somewhere else, you were there to help her. Heck! You were the one to find out she was afraid of lightning! I never knew that …"

"I'm surprised you never found out. I found it out the hard way." Keitaro grumbled at the memory. "Do you have any idea how scary it is to wake up and find someone next to you in the middle of a thunderstorm? I thought it was that stupid monster in the closet come to get me!"

Aisu burst out laughing. He remembered that night. The three of them had slept in the same room together when their family stayed over at the Urashima's. He had woken in the middle of the night to a screaming Keitaro who was crying about some monster that was going to eat him. Imagine both their surprise to discover a shivering Faia curled up next to him. Aisu was confused as to why his sister would seek comfort from Keitaro than from her own brother. He supposed now that it was her sub-conscious's way of showing that she really was beginning to like Keitaro more than she let on. Not like it did the young boy any good. He nearly wet his pants that night.

Keitaro sighed in exasperation at his friend's laughter. He knew it was good natured but it was still embarrassing to be reminded of how frightened he was of a girl – a girl who had probably the tightest strangleholds of all times, even at that young of an age. He thought he was being killed when he woke up to Faia hugging the stuffing out of him. Though it wasn't half as bad as that one time Su slept over at his room and crushed half his ribs, thinking he was her brother back home.

"But what you're basically saying is that I dug my own grave by being so nice to Faia when we were kids?"

Aisu blanched at the uncouth way Keitaro had put it. "In a way…But you don't have to act like it's the end of the world. My sister isn't that bad, you know."

"I know, I know." Keitaro stayed silent until a thought occurred to him. A rather intriguing thought that he was surprised he never thought of before. "You know, I just realized something." Aisu looked up at him. "I don't think Faia's ever called me by name before. It was just 'shrimp' before she liked me and then 'darling' after that. She's never called me by my real name, only pet names."

Aisu raised an eyebrow. "I never noticed that. But you're right, She's never called you Keitaro. That's pretty strange. Ah well, not like my sister's all that normal to begin with."

Keitaro chuckled softly. "You're right there." Aisu glanced at him warningly. He laughed. "Sorry."

The two then went on to fill each other in what had happened since they had last seen each other. Both Aisu and Faia had been accepted into local colleges in Kyoto, not exactly famous ones but ones that were definitely not all that easy to get accepted to. Keitaro felt both proud and yet also a little envious of his friends. They were both in college already, while he had managed to fail three times in a row. Unconsciously he promised himself to get in the next time that he tried.

Aisu had gone to a college well known for its study of designs. He was planning on becoming an architect, and told Keitaro that he would show Keitaro some of his designs later on. His voice definitely carried a good bit of pride in it, showing how happy and satisfied he was with his work. It was with a passion that very few people felt for their specific majors, something that was a true treasure to behold. Keitaro knew that very few people could be like that. It wasn't something that was easy to do.

Faia attended a college that was also known for designs, though the one she went to was for clothing. Aisu went on to say that his sister had always been interested in making new clothes and such, and that Keitaro had better watch out for some of the more risqué ones that she would try to wear around him. Keitaro reacted nervously to this, imagining just how "risqué" it could be. Knowing Faia, it would be less risqué and certainly more explicit. He shivered, idly thinking about what would happen if Kitsune somehow managed to get into Faia's stash. It wouldn't be pretty…Well, Kitsune would be, but not the end result. Keitaro would probably end up a bloody, twitching mass on the floor after all was said and done.

He found it odd, however, that the siblings would both choose a career path in designs. Then again, they were twins after all, so it wasn't too hard to assume that they would both have the same interests in some area of their life. Other than that, they were far too different. Keitaro shrugged the train of thought off quickly. It's not like it would make any difference to him if he pondered on it for too long. Besides, Aisu had told him about his and Faia's past adventures so it was only fair if Keitaro gave him his.

And so he did. Keitaro gave a condensed version of what had happened to him from when he first arrived at Hinata House to now. If he gave the full version they would be out in the hot springs all night and he needed some sleep to be energetic for what kind of chaos would surely happen tomorrow. Not to mention there were some embarrassing moments that he never wanted to see the light of day again. He didn't think his heart, mind or body could take it. That and he just didn't have the gall to show just how whipped he was by the inn's residents. It didn't exactly help his already almost non-existent pride.

Aisu listened carefully to his friends stories. He laughed at the funny times, gasped at the surprising ones, and gently patted Keitaro on the back at the sad moments. It was amazing how much his friend had gone through since they had last been together. Any other person would have gone completely insane. He noticed the slight twitches Keitaro made every so often. Then again, maybe he had already lost his sanity and was now just barely clinging to whatever rooted him outside of the madness.

Keitaro laughed at the expression of concern being directed at him and waved it off. Aisu smiled. Or maybe his friend was stronger than he thought.

He'd have to be to deal with his sister.

Keitaro finished with a sigh. He had really realized just how much had transgressed within the past year. So many memories crammed into such a small space of time. So many happy and sad ones. So many frustrating ones that made him wonder if what he was doing was the right path. He chuckled. But in the end, all that mattered was that the precious ones that surrounded him were happy. That was all he needed.

He turned to Aisu and smiled. "And so that's what I've been doing. Impressed?"

"A bit," Aisu smirked. "I'm surprised you hadn't died or at least been maimed permanently yet."

"No, but I have come close a few times, though."

"Guess spending all that time with sis and me prepared you for here, right?"

"I suppose…" Keitaro closed his eyes and leaned back, replacing the cloth over his eyes. He finally felt relaxed, like he had been carrying some great burden for a long time. Talking with Aisu like probably lightened the load he had kept on himself, the one that he never shared with anyone else. Guess it was pretty useful to have a guy friend when you're surrounded by no one but women. Put certain things in perspective you could never see before. Or some crap like that; he really didn't care at the moment. He just wanted to sink into the soothing water that engulfed him and rest. "I'm really glad you came to visit, Aisu." Keitaro peeked from underneath the cloth. "Really, I am."

Aisu chuckled. "Yeah, it's good to see you again, Kei. I know Faia's happy, too."

"Well of course I am!"

The two men flinched at the voice. Keitaro removed the cloth from his eyes and slowly turned around, praying beyond all hope that the person behind him wasn't who he thought it was. If it was, he was so going to lose his mind…or what was left of it.

He should have prayed harder.

Faia was standing on the ground behind him, a towel the only thing preventing the sight of her nubile body for all to see. Though how the hell it managed to stay on her without springing off was beyond all laws of physics. A chest like that was _not_ meant to be confined in such a small space. Mutsumi always had the same problem until she started using pins to keep the towel on when she needed. It didn't do much help but at least she wasn't in danger of turning the towel into a dangerous weapon whenever it leaped off. However, Faia had no pins or anything else to keep the fabric on. Her bosom was threatening to spill out at a moment's notice. With how she felt about Keitaro, it was most likely going to be the next.

Aisu groaned. His sister could at least wait till he was out of the springs before she tried to seduce Keitaro. While he wasn't exactly bothered seeing his sister's naked body, (as long as he didn't enjoy what he was seeing, it didn't matter) he found the idea of her taking her frightened fiancé right there and then distinctly icky. He didn't want to have to see her in all her nude glory getting down two feet away from him. It was very disturbing, to say the least.

He grabbed Keitaro's arm and pulled him away just as Faia jumped at him. The two watched as she smacked the water's surface with a resounding splash. Keitaro sighed in relief and was about to thank his friend when he felt two very squishy and slightly pointed objects press against his back. He decided turning around would be a very bad idea.

"Darling…" Faia cooed in his ear. The towel had fallen off during her belly flop and she was not about to go retrieve it. She was ready to have fun with her darling and the towel would have been lost in the process anyway. Right now she needed all the energy she could muster if she was able to get Keitaro to react to her advances the way she wanted him to. "Are you ready for me now?"

Aisu coughed. "I don't think he'll ever be ready for you, sis."

She glared at him. "I wasn't asking you, brother. I was asking my dear darling."

Meanwhile, Keitaro was repeating a mantra, one he usually did whenever he found himself in such damnable situations. "Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die…" He let out a squeak when he felt Faia's hands begin to grope for his nether regions. Reacting like normal, Keitaro jumped away from the roaming appendages, only to find Faia coming along with him as he forgot to unwrap her arms from his waist. The two fell into the water with a greater splash than the one before, ending up in a tangle of limbs that would make even the creators of the Kama Sutra bulge out their eyes with envy.

One of the legs twitched before languidly draping it over another one. "Oooh…darling…I never knew you could be so bold."

The leg that was being covered twitched too before leaping out of the water. The body of Keitaro was attached to it and he spared no time in running away from the source of implied sex. He could have sworn he had been _thaaaat_ close to accidentally having it but luckily Faia had been facing the wrong way when his little soldier had sprung to attention. The idea of a different way to have intercourse never came to his mind and he was spared from realizing he had almost had…well, most people know what the author is talking about. The author would also like to mention he has a sick, sick mind at times and apologizes if any of what he writes offends those of moral conscious. Anyway…

"Waaaahhhhh!" Keitaro ran away as fast as he could, a completely towel-less Faia hot on his trail. "I don't wanna have fun! I don't wanna die!"

"Darling! Come back here! Don't make me get the rope!"

"Noooo! Rope bad! Rope bad!" His voice trailed off as Keitaro fled through the door into the inn and out of sight. The screams and outraged cries of the girls inside gave an inkling as to what they thought of the scene. Keitaro's body was soon seen being catapulted through the roof of Hinata House and a scuffle was heard from where his flight had originated. It appeared as though Faia had not taken this assault on her "lover" lightly. Crashes were the only sound that followed.

Aisu stood up, fixed the knot that kept his towel up and walked into the changing room. It looked like things were finally getting started. Things were finally coming back to the way they used to be when they all used to play together. A smile formed on his lips.

He couldn't wait.

A/N: Well, that was the end of the first chapter. Didn't I tell you it was going to be weird? In any case, the antics will only get more insane as the storyline progresses. In case you can't tell, Faia's name means fire in Japanese and Aisu's means ice. Faia's personality is closest to Chocolate from the series "Sorcerer Hunters" or maybe Shampoo from "Ranma ½." She's very possessive but is also deeply in love with Keitaro and not afraid to show it. You have to wonder how things will turn out…In any case, I hope you all enjoyed it and hope you will continue to read the upcoming chapters. Up next is the talks between my muse, Evelyn Dawn, and I. You'll certainly come to understand just why I'm so weird at times. It's 'cause of her…I'll write more on her personality in the upcoming chapters but you can still get a pretty good view of what she's like and our relationship with each other in this conversation. In any case, please review and remember, no flames!

Yamiga: _(clears throat) _I'd like to introduce the cute, fabulous, and all together wonderful muse of mine, Evelyn Dawn.

_A small fairy floats into the room. She's about a foot in height with waist-length dark-red hair, bright green eyes and a slightly tanned complexion. Her face is heart-shaped with a few tendrils of hair floating around her eyes, a small nose, and full ruby lips. She has a somewhat delicate figure, a bit underdeveloped in the chest but nice curves otherwise. Her wings are multi-colored (always changing color), half-translucent, and the lame length as her height. She's wearing an off-the-shoulder black short-sleeved shirt and ripped-knee jeans along with a pair of worn sneakers. (Meanwhile, I'm just in a constantly worn pair of cargos and t-shirt thus showing how fashion inept I am.) Her face is rather crossed as well. _

Evelyn: _(frowns) _You forgot to mention the source of all your creativity and imagination as well as the reason that you get off your last ass to write these damn stories.

Yamiga: _(chuckles anxiously) _Um, I forgot?

Evelyn: _(scoffs) _Forget again and I might not be so forgiving.

Yamiga: Forgiving? Since when are you ever forgiving? All you ever do is bash me in the head with a mallet and call me an idiot.

Evelyn: I call you an idiot because you _are_ an idiot. And I bash you in the head because you're so damn lazy and it's the only source of motivation you react to.

Yamiga: _(rubs head and winces) _But it makes my brain cry…

Evelyn: What brain! Any brain cells you have left are not even at full capacity! I swear! Why the heck was I assigned to inspire an idiot like you!

Yamiga: Because it was punishment for lighting _Muse Inc. _ablaze when your lava lamp burnt through your desk?

Evelyn: _(blinks then growls; pulls out a mallet larger than herself thereby defying all laws of physics) _What did I say about speaking that out loud! It's time for punishment!

Yamiga: Noooo! I'm sorry! _(smacked upside the head several…**dozen** times) _Owwie…My head feels like the time I fell down a flight of stairs and smashed it into that push coat-rack…

Evelyn: Oh, stop whining! Be happy I only gave you a level 2 punishment. You want a level 5?

Yamiga: Eeeep! _(shakes head wildly) _I'll be good! I promise!

Evelyn: Good boy. In any case, you can probably see the relationship that this idiot and I have. I keep him in line and he writes his stories like the little author he is. _(taps mallet in hands) _But I've been told that you haven't written anything for a while now. Why is that?

Yamiga: Work. Summer vacation. College. Brother babysitting. Lots of things. Oh, and that little task you made me do that involved…

Evelyn: _(blushes wildly) _That's enough! (sighs) All right. I guess I can forgive your little transgressions. _(flies up to Yamiga and holds collar) _But if you ever mention that again, I'll create a brand new level of punishment _just…for…you_. You wouldn't like that, would you?

Yamiga: _(shakes head frantically) _No, ma'am!

Evelyn: _(shakes head in contentment) _Fine. Just know that I'll be watching you…_always… (grins maliciously) _

Yamiga: Eep! _(in a squeaky, shaken voice) _A-all r-r-right! _(clears throat) _In any case, all of my readers have not met my, err…_wonderful_ muse. Hope you are happy to meet her and now there's only one thing to say…

Evelyn: _(flies over and sits on Yamiga's shoulder; rests an elbow on his temple) _Please Review!


	2. And So  It Begins

A/N: I'm back, people! I'm finally back with another Love Hina fic, and it just happens to be my seemingly most popular one: Fiancée Fiascos! I checked the stats and this has the most hits and reviews per chapter so it must be so! _WHOOOOOO!!!!! (deep breath)_ Anyway, here's hoping that all of you will enjoy this story. Luckily, I managed to get a hold of a great deal of motivation, so expect a lot more chapters for each of my stories to be posted within the next couple of weeks! I really hope you'll like this chapter as much as the first one. I'll see you at the end of the chapter! And now, a word to my faithful reviewers.

**Shiko, panuru4u, Pleading For A Update, TwilightZekk, Miamaru the Shadowslayer, Rioes, one-village-idiot, kwangmablade, Bowling-for-Tomato-Soup, alex Kuzosama, reader:D, Baretta of the Dark Icon Writers, jennyjennai, Aznkendoboy127, AznPuffyHair, EagleCeres, shinji the good sharer, Trowachess, Alex Ikari, ShadeXH, petran, AzureSky123, Cleric of Hell's Brigade, katonkagenaruto, Lord Cynic, DivineEmperor, asdf, guesswho, The Mad shoe1, darksoulessbody17, Peacemaker, Prince of Dragons, SulliMike23, SouryuofHeaven, Fayte Angel, cloud, Spiritblade, Anonymous, Sci-Fi Raptor, Innortal, Wonderbee31, DerektheRogue**

Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers!

Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina or any of its subsidiaries! How many times do I have to tell you this! Argh! It's like a broken record with you people! I don't own it, I don't own it, I don't own it! _(deep breath)_ Okay, I'm good.

**Fiancée Fiascos  
By Yamiga'sLight  
Chapter 2: And So…It Begins**

Darkness.

Humans hold an innate fear for this concept. Is it because of the lack of light, a symbolism for all that is good in the world and therefore the opposite of it means that it is evil? Or is it because we fear what lurks inside the shadow of the void, the creatures that wait to lunge out and drag their victims kicking and screaming back into the inky blackness…

These are _not_ philosophical questions one should ask in the middle of a comedy. Instead, it should be spent thinking about how to completely humiliate and torture the characters so as to satisfy the sadistic readers. Those bloody, horrible readers…

Ahem! So, in honor of the fact that no happy person wants to witness such depressing thoughts, we shall begin this story anew –

It was a dark and stormy night…

_Author is smacked in the back of the head with a 2x4. "2x4! The perfect choice for dealing with stupid people!"_

But it _was_ a dark and stormy night! If you want to discuss the schematics, go over it as much as you want! However, this is a cliché so let the situation be explained in a different way. There, will that satisfy you blood-thirsty little suckers?

Lightning flashed across the cool night sky. The stars were blocked from view by bulky and ominous looking clouds, ones that threatened to crush those that stood in their way. Crackles of light flashed through these atmospheric titans before ultimately crashing down as lightning and reverberating as thunder. Several people were shocked thoroughly by this hammers of nature before deciding that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to play "whack each other with metal poles." How this game actually came to be involved copious amounts of alcohol and resulting loss of brain cells from said alcohol.

But this is neither here nor there and we must now switch our attention to a rather inconspicuous abode located in downtown Tokyo. This particular household included both a rather well-known pastry shop as the bottom floor and the owner's home located above it. As we zoom closer, we can see through one of the windows several lumps lying about on the floor. It can only be assumed that one of these lumps must indeed be one Keitaro Urashima, the only son of the Urashimas. Doesn't he look so cute just sleeping, that drool slipping from his mouth into a puddle on the floor? And look! Another lump has appeared under his blanket and is now approaching him!

Wait…another lump?

…That can't be good.

The covers were tight and binding. Keitaro tossed and turned, attempting to free himself from their cottony grasp. Darn fabric, contain him, would they? He still felt uncomfortable when it came to sleeping in his futon. It always felt like something was constraining, trying to keep him from moving. He always had the sensation that he had to escape, though it was not quite certain as from what. It didn't bother him too much, however. He could always just sleep on the floor away from it, right? After all, things that went 'bump' in the night, like the boogieman, didn't exist, right? Right?

Something touched his leg.

He went rigid.

That was nothing...It was probably just the blankets wrapping around him and causing him to bump against himself. There were no such things as monsters, like the one he _knew_ didn't live in his closet. It was all in his imagination, just a figment of his hyperactive mind. His dad told him so. There were no such things as monsters.

Something touched him again, higher up his body this time.

…

It was just him again! He was just imagining things! He must've still been stuck between being awake and being asleep! There were no such things as demons and creatures that ate people. They were all just fairy tales and movie ideas and action-figure merchandise. He wasn't afraid! He was just fooling himself. His mind was just playing tricks on him.

It had reached his waist.

…Oh, dear.

He didn't dare open his eyes. As long as he didn't, there would be no monster there. As long as he didn't, he wouldn't have to worry about putting traps around his room like the last time he had watched a scary movie. His father was still ticked at him for setting his hair ablaze with that propane tank. Well, if he wasn't supposed to make a miniature flamethrower out of it than he should have said so! It wasn't his fault that his dad never told him to that, or went into his room without permission. He should have called out to him. He was protecting himself. He had the right to protect himself! If he didn't then-

Fingers began to creep their way up his back.

EEEEEEEEE! It was nothing, it was nothing, it was nothing, it was nothing, it was nothing! There was nothing behind him. There was nothing with small, dexterous fingers working its way up his body and around to his front. There was nothing with long, slender legs wrapping around his. There wasn't hot, heavy air being blown onto the back on his neck. There wasn't anything there, there wasn't anything there at all!

Its grip tightened.

Keitaro gulped. It was okay. He was okay. All he had to do was turn around. This was just a dream. Once he turned around the dream would end, and whatever it was that _wasn't_ behind him would disappear since it wasn't there in the first place. Right. That was all he had to do. He was good, he was fine, he was golden.

His bladder didn't agree so. It wanted to void. It wanted to void _now!_

He carefully, slowly, meticulously rolled over, depositing himself deep in the belly of the beast that didn't exist. Now was the moment of truth. He cracked one eye open. Nothing bad so far – all he could see was darkness. That was a good sign. He cracked open the other – still darkness. That was even better. He allowed his eyes to focus. All he could see was…

Nothing. Nothing was there at all. He heaved a sigh of relief.

Something jiggled against his cheek.

Eh? What was that? Something brushed against his face. But it was soft and supple. There were no monsters that felt like a big marshmallow, were there? Keitaro hesitantly poked the object that was the darkness. It bounced slightly before settling back down. He poked it again. Its bounce was accompanied by a small sound that sounded much like a sharp intake of breath. He was even more curious now. He did it again. The gasp changed into a giggle. Again. The giggle into a purr. Again.

"Darling…"

He froze. He moved his face to the origin of the voice. His neck cracked erratically, like a gear that had rusted over centuries ago. When he finished with the movement, he found himself face to face with a large pair of eyes and full lips. The lips had curled back, revealing a smile that resembled a cat that had just caught its pray. They parted.

"Hello…darling."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

His covers thrown back, Keitaro bolted upward. His face was awash with sweat, his eyes wide, wild, and panicked. He grasped at his face, trying to make sure that there were no squishy objects in the proximity of it. He looked down. No extra limbs, appendages, or bodies. He looked around his room. Same as it had always been – his notes strewed around in a haphazard fashion, the hole still in his ceiling. He glanced out the window. It was heading into the early hours of the day, the sun just finishing its venture over the horizon. He sighed.

"Thank god…only a dream…"

Still, he found it annoying dredging up memories from long ago. The time that Aisu and Faia had spent time at his home was nothing short of chaotic. Faia was bossy, meddling, and loud. And that was _before_ she had begun to like him. After she had confessed her affections, things began to sink even further into pandemonium. He sometimes wondered how he managed to keep his body parts intact from the repeated incidents she had ambushed him and attempted to drag him off into the unoccupied areas of the house. He shuddered remembering the things she had tried with him. And yet somehow he had managed to fend off every one of her attacks. He didn't whether it was pure luck or that some god was looking down on him with a kind eye but he thanks whatever it was that did so.

His eyelids fell. How long had it been since that night? He remembered conversing about it the night before with Aisu, but it was still undetermined how long ago it was. Were they six, seven? How long had it been since Faia had begun chasing like a rabid coyote after a terrified rabbit? He groaned and put a hand to his face. He didn't want to think about such things. They were irritating, senseless, and above all, horrifying.

However, the situation had changed, and he was now forced to consider such matters. Just like his dream had alluded to, Aisu and Faia were now back in his life and he had to adjust to it. After yesterday's fiasco with the hot springs, he found himself having to break up an accumulating fight between Faia and the girls before it erupted into full-out war. It wasn't pleasant, however. He took various blows and it wasn't until the blessed intervention of Aisu that he managed to get everyone to calm down and stop trying to rip the other's head off. Even so, tensions ran thick and Keitaro had to escort the siblings to their respective rooms so as to allow the rest of the Hinata residents time to cool off.

The managements of where to put them took a bit of time and effort. Keitaro had to find a place for Faia that wasn't too close to him for her to sneak in (he couldn't count the number of times she had done so), or too far away so that he wouldn't be able to act as mediator should she get into another fight with the girls (he didn't even want to think about what would happen then.) Aisu was much easier to figure out. He just had to be placed between him and Faia. That way there would at least be one difficult barrier for Faia's assault to go through.

There had been one last bit of turmoil before everyone had gone to bed, however. Somehow Faia had managed to get to his room before him. He shivered at the memory of her lying flat on her stomach on his futon with nothing but a long ribbon covering her nether regions. How in the nine rings of hell she had made her way to his room dressed like that, he'd never know nor wished to find out, but she had and she was completely expectant of what was to come. There would be nookie, and nothing would convince her otherwise. He realized that any normal male would be ecstatic under these circumstances but when it came to him and Faia, he'd rather dunk himself in acid than do the things she thought of. It just felt wrong to him…Luckily Aisu was with him at the time to talk a bit more and he carried the luscious red-head back to her room without catching the attention of the entire inn. One crisis had been averted.

Keitaro knew that there were many more to come.

He threw back the covers, ready to begin his duties as the landlord and manager of Hinata House.

A naked body lay by his side.

He froze. The internal workings of his brain came to a halt, trying to assess the situation before reverting to their usual answer of pumping adrenaline into Keitaro's system and making him fly off the handle. They had to make sure of how things were at the moment. Let's see…

Status of body: very, very nude.

Gender of body: female. Two mounds of flesh wiggled like jello molds, taking a good amount of space of the chest area up. Correction: extremely female.

Identity of female: due to the previous determination of breast size, only four girls can be determined as target figure – one Mitsune Konno, one Naru Narusagawa, one Mutsumi Otohime, and one Faia Kiyu. Narrowed down to only ones brazen enough to perform such a feat, Naru Narusegawa must be eliminated. Due to hair color, only one possible identity of figure can be determined.

Evaluation complete. Plan of action?

Run! Run you BLEEP-ing individual with the luck of a lemming! Run as fast as you BLEEP-ing can!

A quick series of electrical pulses was sent down to the muscles of Keitaro's legs, ordering them to do their job and move the butt of their owner away from the area as fast as they could. They refused, tired with having to exhaust themselves all the time. Let the brain do some work for a change, it never had much to do anyway. Besides, it was like it would matter if it was damaged as there was never much to be damaged to begin with, as stated by the previous retort.

They really shouldn't have done so. In a short while, they would be using far more energy than they ever had before. But for now, they refused to budge, and Keitaro discovered himself unable to move even the slightest inch as the rest of his body chose to side with the legs and halted in their movements. He could only watch as the devourer of his soul began to stir from her slumber.

Faia yawned languidly, her long tendrils of bright red tossed around her face and head. She turned on her back, lifting her self up and stretching her arms behind and above her head, giving a much intentioned view of her nubile form to the current statue in the room. She blinked wearily and turned her head. Upon capturing her fiancé in her line of sight, her lips formed into a coy smile. "Morning, darling," she cooed, her voice laden with sleep and huskiness.

Her voice served as a trigger, and there was a sudden distance between the two as Keitaro sprung across the room and planted himself against the wall. He wished he had the ability to meld with it but unfortunately the only superpower he had was the inherent ability to gather as much madness and anarchy around him as possible. The only choice he had now was his talent with words. Oh heavens, he was screwed… "Fa-Faia!" he cried. "Wh-what the heck are you doing here!"

She tilted her head to the side, a confused expression on her face. "What do you mean, darling?" She frowned and took the opportunity to fluff her hair, causing her body to vibrate with the movement and nearly causing Keitaro to bleed through his nasal orifices.

He clamped one hand over his nose, and used the other to point accusingly at the woman. "Why are you here in my room? And why are you naked!"

She laughed and flapped her hand. "Oh, silly boy. We're married, aren't we?"

"No, we aren't!" He shook his head vigorously and crossed his arms in front of him as though they could banish the succubus from his vision. "We're only engaged, nothing more!" How had she gotten in here? Shouldn't Aisu have stopped her?

"But that's like practice for marriage, right? And that means we have to practice sleeping together, amongst other things…" As she trailed off, she leaned forward onto all fours and began to crawl towards him, her assets swinging seductively as her tongue traced along her lips. "And now I think it's time for us to practice those other things. But don't worry, darling…" Her voice lowered in volume till it was nearly a whisper. "I'll be gentle."

She lunged.

FFFFFFFFFF

"Mou…that perverted moron…" she mumbled. Her fingers went to work on her pajamas, shedding them till she was down to her underwear. She folded them neatly before rifling through the closet her daily apparel. She frowned when memories of the previous day came to mind.

Naru was a fair person. She looked at every situation with a practical and unbiased eye, and always made sure to hand out reasonable judgment to those that deserved it. So when Keitaro had been an idiot worthy of several Darwinism Awards, she had to react accordingly. And that meant that punishment was in order. Punishment in the most severe of degrees. With pain. Lots and lots of pain.

He soon found himself having tea with the Hubble Space Telescope.

But besides that…A growl forced its way from her gullet up through her throat and out of her mouth. It was feral and vicious, akin to the one a stray dog would make when trying to fight for a scrap of meat. Ironically enough this was a rather accurate analogy as the scrap of meat actually existed even if it were in Keitaro form. And Naru was prepared to fight for that piece of meat no matter what the consequences, even if none of the causes for the fight were on a conscious level. Freud would have had a field day probing through the subconscious wants, dreams, and desires of the young woman, most of which revolved around a rather dense ronin that was neither herself nor female (thinking that way, you dirty, dirty people…)

All of these sub-basement thoughts had come to a head when the twins had shown up the day before, and Naru soon found herself having to battle her own pride for the privilege of _actually admitting her own feelings of adoration_, not that she had any of them to begin with, of course.

Of course.

However, there was still the simple fact that the trampy witch was now lodging with them. She still couldn't believe that Keitaro would allow a woman of such low moral values to coincide with the rest of the members of the inn. Then again, he was such a pervert that living in close contact with a woman who obviously had no problems with showing (or using, rubbing, teasing, touching) her body to him would be the ultimate paradise of lust. Her hand closed into a fist, and her knuckles snapped with tension. If there had been an apple in her hands, it would have been reduced to a fine and pasty pulp a second in.

Ooh…If she saw that idiot, she would…

The lid covering the hole in her floor exploded.

Nary spun around to see her Liddo-kun, a doll from one of her favorite childhood shows, go flying across the room. The wooden board flew in the opposite direction, spinning out of her window and out of sight. A hand grasped at the opening, followed by a head full of disheveled hair. Naru immediately recognized the figure trying to claw his way into her room. Her face flushed and her temperature rose. Her eyes began to twitch and her hands crackled. That idiot was trying to get into her room when she was in the middle of dressing again? Didn't he ever learn? A feeling of peaceful nostalgia flooded her mind a she readied herself to make another launch of the "Keitaro Rocket." She cocked her fist back.

"Keitaro, you perve-!" She paused in mid-swing.

His eyes were a mad frenzy. He was still in his sleep wear and seemed more intent on actually getting into her room than looking at her. His fingers swept across the floor, the nails digging into the hardwood and leaving deep scratches behind. His muscles bulged with strain as he forced himself into her territory. Suddenly, his body jerked downward, as though someone was trying to drag him into the depths of hell. He twitched, his lower body moving to kick at something, his hands working to remove his pants. Wait, remove his pants?

Naru finally found the motivation to renew her attack. Now that idiot was just being presumptuous! How dare he think that she would just lay down and take it!...She had to word that better next time. Back in the motions, she almost smacked him down but he beat her to the punch. He vaulted forward, ejecting from both the hole and his lower apparel and smashed into her face-first, the offensive appendage landing between her laced breasts. The two fell down in a heap.

He was on top of her, his legs between her outspread ones, his hands on her chest, his lips hovering above hers. Naru suddenly found herself very self-conscious at the moment. "Keitaro!" she gasped. Her blush had shifted somewhere along the line from anger to embarrassment and something else that originated near her abdomen. She found her entire body to be increasing in warmth. "What are you doing?" He grabbed her shoulders and raised her body so that she was barely centimeters from him. His lips formed the words that she longed for him to say. Those beautiful words, those words that exclaimed –

"Naru, for the love of all that is sacred, _HIDE ME!_"

She blinked. "Eh?" That was not the response she was expecting. He was supposed to say something extremely gallantly and sweep her off her feet, regardless of the fact they were already off their feet and had skipped quite a few of the procedural wooing steps. Still, in any situation, he was indebted to forego all of his stupid ways and court her. She wanted romance, damn it!

"Darling…"

_That_ ruined it.

"Oh god, she's here!"

His words were the signal for her emergence. Faia almost seemed to slide out of the hole in the floor, her hands planted lightly on the edge, her body still stripped of all counts of clothing. Her eyes were half-lidded and sultry, ready to advance on the man was promised to be hers. They didn't stay that way when they focused on the two's somewhat awkward, somewhat passionate embrace. Instead, they slanted and narrowed, the pupils contracting to harsh pinpoints. They were small enough to cut diamonds should any type of energy were to pass through them. And it looked like that was quite likely as fire seemed to burst behind her pupils, forcing their way through.

"What do you think you're doing with my fiancé!"

"Nothing that you would do, you hussy!"

Keitaro cried.

Faia arched her back and hands, resembling a cat in pounce mode. Her mouth opened to reveal her sharp incisors, enhancing the image even further. If it had gotten even better, her hair would have started to stand up to make herself look larger than her opponent. It might have helped if it weren't for the fact that Naru faced death itself on a daily basis via the repeated failure of Su's experiments. "Keitaro is _mine!_ Give him to me!"

"I don't think so!" Naru took the chance while Faia improved her intimidation to shove Keitaro behind her back, who by now had curled into the fetal position as was his natural defense to protect himself against harm and emotional angst. She spread her arms out to prevent the other girl from dodging around her. Somewhere deep down inside of her, something told her that she had to protect Keitaro from this evil entity at all cost. Ultimately she decided that it was the maternal instinct that wanted to keep from Faia's clutches. It never occurred to her that it was suppressed jealously that did so. Not like it ever did, however.

Faia jumped at Naru, arms extended and nails curved wickedly. "Die!"

"Not if you do so first!"

"What the hell is going on here!"

The door to Naru's room slammed open. The rest of the Hinata inhabitants stood in the opening, some still in their pajamas, others already dressed for the day. There were various expressions stretched across their faces, ranging from tired to annoyed to enraged. However, upon looking at the scene laid before them, that all changed.

Faia, who was sporting a fashionable if not taboo birthday suit look, was trying to claw a bra-and-panties clad Naru who was keeping her at bay with one foot lodged as an anchor against the attacker's chest. Keitaro, mysteriously devoid of pants, was caught behind Naru, his chest against her back, his face ripe with fear. The three hadn't noticed the intruder's presence until Keitaro tore his view from Faia's rage-filled face to them. His face lit up with unadulterated joy.

"Girls, get me the_ hell out of here!_"

"Trollop!"

"Stealer of men!"

Immediately afterwards, the rest of the Hinata Honeys went into their pre-programmed way of dealing with these situations. Shinobu burst into tears and ran away as fast as she could, wondering how her beloved senpai could do such horrible deeds. Su bounced between asking if she could join in and laughing uncontrollably. Sarah just made the basic distinction that she was going to be physically ill for the next few hours. Kitsune teased them while resolving to drink more in quantity and frequency. And Motoko…well, Motoko let her sword to the talking.

"Keitaro…" She drew her katana from her sheathe, letting the wooden object fall to the ground with a clatter. "You vile defiler of maidens…" She pressed the tip of the blade to the floor and dragged it and she rushed towards him. His grin dissolved back into terror. The sword developed a trail of sparks after it as it continued its trail to him. _"Reeeepent!"_ The tip came out, and with the added momentum smashed Keitaro clear out of the room like a golf ball. It would have been as equally efficient if not terribly clichéd if she yelled out "fore" instead. Su made up for her though.

As Keitaro was flung from the room through the opening to the outside, none of his body parts clipping the edge of the window, Su brought her hands up parallel to her body.

"Goal!"

He smacked the railing and rebounded upward before falling with a great splash in the hot springs below. His body floated upward and rested on the top of the water. Aisu looked at him from his spot a few meters away. He blinked.

"Oh, hey, Kei. Did you come to take a soak with me?"

FFFFFFFFFF

"Does this taste good, darling?"

One resuscitation later and everyone found themselves lodged at the table partaking in the glorious event known as breakfast. There had been a squabble on how to place the seating arrangements as Faia exclaimed that it was natural for the engaged couple to sit by each other. At first she wanted breakfast delivered to her room, Keitaro included, but that idea was quickly derailed when there was nearly another catfight between her and Naru. Naru was against both of these ideas, stating that they wouldn't just switch around the seats just to match her accommodations. Once again, another fight almost broke out. It finally came to a conclusion when Aisu suggested that Faia could sit next to Keitaro and they could still keep the original places. Faia was on one of his sides, Naru on his other. Naru said that she just felt better with the normal way.

…

Faia took advantage of the situation directly afterward, feeding Keitaro his meal between bites of her own. By this time Keitaro had given up on life in general and figured he might as well succumb to her requests before getting shipped off to Siberia one piece at a time. At least he got one last good meal in before his blood found new and more interesting ways to flow. As he took another bite from the chopsticks, he could feel the anger rolling off of Naru from next to him in the form of heat. It wouldn't be long before she spontaneously combusted.

"Say ah…"

He opened his mouth. Oh crap, he was going to die…

"Oh, look!" Faia giggled, her eyes shining with joy. She pressed a palm against her cheek in a cutesy manner, vainly trying to hide her blush. "Darling's so happy he's crying tears of joy!"

Aisu finished his miso soup and glanced at the two. "I don't think those are tears of joy, sis." He turned back to Kitsune who he had been conversing with. "You were saying?"

She waved her hand vaguely. "Just wondering exactly how you came to know our unlucky landlord. You said you used to play with him as a kid. Anything else you can give us?" Kitsune was rather intrigued both as to how Keitaro was as a child but also more about these people that just showed out of nowhere. Keitaro hade never mentioned hair nor hide of them but from the way they interacted with each other it was clear he was close to them. Why would never mention someone he knew so well? More specifically, why did never mention he actually had a live girl chasing after him – not one that was underage, continuously dying, or utterly psychotic?

She looked at Faia as she squealed with delight each time Keitaro ate the food she offered him.

Scratch the last one. This girl was plenty bonkers.

"There's not much to say," she responded. He placed the bowl containing his food down and folded his hands together. "We originally come from Kyoto but our parents took us to Tokyo when we were six to meet the Urashimas. That's when we both first met Kei." He chuckled mentally. It was a normal meeting like any other, saying hello to a boy around their age, his hand extended for a friendly greeting. If only any of them knew just what that greeting entailed, he was sure Keitaro would have run away screaming and jumped into the river.

Motoko's eyes quirked. "You come from Kyoto? Interesting. That's where I fare from as well."

His eyes widened and then squinted. "What was your name again, miss…"

"Aoyama. Motoko Aoyama."

Aisu snapped his fingers, he face lighting up in recognition. "I thought you looked familiar. Your family is in charge of the Shimei-ryu Dojo there, are they not?"

She nodded slowly. "Yes. How do you know that?"

He leaned his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his open palm. "My family has done business with your dojo. We sometimes do reparations on the dojo and surrounding buildings." He gave a polite nod and smile. "I have to thank you. Your family has helped our business quite a bit both with work and advertising. A name as famous as yours really gets around. We've gotten a lot more work orders after working with you."

"Eh…?" Kitsune opened one of her eyes, the chocolate color swirling with capricious delight. She had just discovered golden and she was going to milk it for all it was worth. "Is this true, Motoko? Do you really belong to some famous dojo?" Her smile was twirled upward, her face closely tied to the image of her namesake.

"That…that is none of your concern!" Motoko spluttered, her face gaining a rosy hue. She could already tell that Kitsune's mind was already teeming with ways to poke and prod her in discomfort and embarrassment, and did not wish to begin the day on such a foot. She had already smacked Urashima around a bit, there was no need for any added excitement. She turned to Aisu, trying to unload the focus back onto him. "Anyway, you said you first met Urashima when you were six?"

"Uh-huh." Aisu had already determined that the younger girl was trying to avoid the spotlight and wisely chose to assent to her request. He had no desire to stir up more trouble than his presence was already creating. Kitsune watched the untold conversation between them and chose to retreat for the time being. She could always get her kicks later and at a much more inappropriate time. "Anyway, our parents thought it'd be best if we moved there since Faia and Kei would eventually be wed and it'd be easier to do if they got to know each other. 'Course we knew nothing of the arrangement at the time and thought that we were moving and found it all the better to have an immediate friend to help us along."

"Was it difficult, having Keitaro as your friend?"

"Hmm…" His jaw set and his eyes sank into though, his brain digging up memories. "Not really. Kei was a real sweet kid to us. He always helped us around the city and always made sure we were having fun. There was the slight problem of him getting into awkward situations but that usually had no direct ill effect on us. It mostly just led to him getting injured and giving us a good laugh." Or in his case a small chuckle while Faia rushed over to care for her darling. He often times wondered if he was the city's single biggest consumption of bandages and medical goods. The boy could get hurt from the weirdest of things, like the time the monkey exhibit at the Tokyo Zoo had opened by accident and Keitaro was crushed under a thousand tiny, hairy bodies. Keitaro had paw prints and scratch marks all over his body for the entire following week.

"What about the, err…incidents?" Kitsune asked. She had to know if what happened at the inn on a daily basis was as commonplace as anywhere else, or did Keitaro just do it all for kicks?

"As we grew up I often came to consider the fact that the guy had an inner ear problem. Kei could fall over at the tiniest of motions and always came down with a fistful of clothing, men's or women's. I can't even begin to count the number of times he's done it to me alone." He smiled at their shocked expressions. He figured that they could say the same as him. However, there was one more thing he had to say, as it appeared that it would clear up many future understandings. That or make it all the harder for Keitaro to get along with his tenants. Eh, he was feeling lucky. "As we got older, he stopped doing it so much around guys and only increased the behavior around women." He continued. Noting the furious expressions that were blooming on some of the girls' faces. "I think it had to do with the fact that Keitaro became more accustomed to guys since I was good friends with him, and his klutziness was directly related to how awkward and scared he felt around particular genders. Then we take my sister who had been basically stalking him ever since they first met…" Aisu sighed and waved at the engaged couple. "And I think he began associating any woman with Faia. Take into account his "condition" is going to get worse because of this and well…you get the idea."

It made sense. Animals often responded to fear by being extra jittery and alert, and this more often than not led to same animals doing things that they would not normally do. If they could assume that Keitaro's sense of balance and luck was like an animal, then it would be assumed that they would be on hyper sensitivity and therefore fail at some point or another. It all made sense now, everything was clear…

Yeah right!

Aisu laughed at their skeptical looks. He didn't really expect them to believe his explanation. He hardly did himself. Still, it was the only way he could explain why Keitaro always got fidgety around people and tended to fall around or on top of them. He was a sweet child but he always seemed to be nervous around people, whether he knew them or not. Aisu could easily recall any time when he had tapped Keitaro on the shoulder from behind and the boy had leaped five feet in the air. He was as naturally predisposed as a rabbit. "Anyway, we had a pretty good time together. We stayed in Tokyo for a while before our parents decided to head back and to Kyoto. Luckily for Faia, they allowed us to lodge with Keitaro and his family until we finally finished high school." He sighed. They had been together for a good number of years. And now they were finally back together again. He couldn't wait for the good times to roll again. Speaking of which…

"Darwin! Hwe, hwe!" Faia's voice was suspiciously muffled.

Keitaro mechanically turned to the sound the sound of her voice and caught the food between his lips. Along with the food, he got the added bonus of Faia's lips, which had been holding it in place. He paused. Faia pressed against him harder. Smoke began to pour his ears. A few more of his remaining brain cells had just burned out. The rest went into overdrive. "Wah!" He snapped his head back and waved his hands in front of him erratically. The rest of the table just stared at him in thick silence. "That wasn't on purpose! I swear it wasn't!"

"Kyaah! You're so daring, darling!"

"This isn't the time t-" His cries were cut short when Naru's elbow connected with his face, causing him to knock the chair backwards and slam into the ground. The chair spilt in half and fell to either side of him, a good-sized dent created from where he had landed. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and a trail of drool started to crawl from out of his mouth.

Win by technical knock-out.

As the others rushed both to yell at Faia, Naru, and Keitaro indiscriminately, Aisu sighed again and went back to work on his breakfast. If Keitaro was going to survive, he was going to need as much strength to placate these women as possible.

The table suddenly disappeared from before him as Faia tried to use it to knock Naru into submission with. The food went flying all over the place, a bowl of rice landing on his head and spilling down his face. Scratch that, he needed to be shot with gamma rays. Or get hit by a meteor.

God's intervention would be nice as well.

TTTTTTTTTT

"Aunt Haruka, are you in here?" Keitaro passed through the entry way to the Hinata Teashop, his face sunken and exhausted. Morning hadn't even ended and yet he had gone through strife and madness that it usually took a week to make. He was tired and hoped to find sanctuary in the confines of his aunt's establishment. Though she would probably put him to work to pay for the favor, it was nothing compared to what the antics of the Kiyu twins and Hinata Honeys were putting him through. Back-breaking labor actually sounded kind of nice at the time. At least then he could put his mind on the backburner and not worry any further about what demons he had unleashed by allowing the two to stay.

It wasn't that he disliked them; they were his two of his oldest and dearest friends. But the way he was wrung through the gears of the mischief they brought along with them was unbearable. It was bad enough having to deal with Naru and the others, trying to keep them pleased without doing something stupid and potentially life-threatening in turn. He was a fine line on the razor's edge every day, and somehow he had managed to get along quite well with all of them most of the time. Sure they had their quirks, but it wasn't something that took him too long to adapt to. He had already grown used to the constant explosions, sword attacks, and extortion tactics. It was almost second-nature to him now. But Faia and Aisu…He groaned. He didn't think _anything_ would _ever_ prepare for those two. Aisu was easy enough and in fact was his best male friend, but when Faia as involved…

His thoughts came crashing down along with his body when a halisen hit him upside the head. He looked up to see Haruka tapping said fan on her arm, her obligatory cigarette dangling from her lips. Her face was neutral but her weapon betrayed her irritation. "How many times have I told you not to call me that?"

He whimpered and rubbed his scalp. "Sorry." Standing up, he gave the previous housemother a weak smile. She sighed and waved the young man over to one of the tables. After he took a seat, she followed suite on the opposite end, signaling one of her employees to take over. When the girl ran to Haruka's old spot at the opening, she turned back to Keitaro.

"Well, what do you want?"

"Sorry, I just had to get out of there," he said. He sighed and dropped his head, letting it bang on the table. His forehead gave an indignant cry and the skin began to redden, but Keitaro ignored it and resisted the urge to rub the damaged area. He just didn't have the energy to spare for such a miniscule task. He felt like he wanted to cry but even his tear ducts refused to expend energy to create the saline liquid. Instead, his eyes closed, his body relaxing as the tension began to slip from it. He always felt at peace in Haruka's teahouse. There was just something about the atmosphere that screamed tranquility. It was probably one of the main reasons why it was so popular among the people of Hinata Hot Springs. "They're really beginning to drive me crazy."

"Faia and Aisu?" He nodded. She did nothing for a moment before snapping her fingers. A few seconds later one of the employees brought a tray full of tea to the table. She poured a cup and wordlessly pushed it to Keitaro. He looked up and accepted it with a 'thank you' before beginning to sip at it. His features slackened and his eyes regained a bit more of the shine that he usually owned. Haruka did the same, the gentle aroma of the drink wafting through her nose and down her throat. She placed the cup down and crossed her legs, wanting to find a more comfortable position before talking. "So, what are you going to do then?"

"I honestly don't know." He placed the cup down and folded his hands together. "I already decided to let them stay. I really couldn't do anything else."

"You could have refused," Haruka said, stating the obvious.

"I know, but…" He trailed off and took a deep breath, rearranging his thoughts before attempting to come up with a suitable argument. Haruka always did have a simple view on things, and it was through her help that he managed to become adept enough to become landlord. But still, just like any view, they weren't always ones that agreed with his desired outcome. "I just couldn't get the…nerve, I guess. I don't know. Aisu and Faia have been friends with me for a long time, and as weird things get when they're around, I still really enjoy their company. I haven't seen them for a while and I suppose I was just happy to know they still knew and wanted to talk with me. You know I've never had many friends, Haruka…" She chose not to say anything. He laughed softly. "Still, I really wish that Faia wasn't in my _company_ so often, though."

A small smile flitted across the older woman's face. It quickly disappeared and she removed her cigarette to ground it into the ashtray. "Well, you do realize that things are going to swiftly deteriorate if you don't get off your ass and start taking charge of things. Faia's not going to wait around to collect your attention."

"Don't remind me," he mumbled, memories of earlier that memory rising to the surface. He held a temple in his hand, massaging it with small circular motions. His brain hurt just thinking of it.

"This also is going to make it harder for those two to get along with the girls. It's not going to be easy for them to start sharing you all of a sudden. They've had you as their personal play thing for the past year. They're not going to give you up so easily."

"Please don't say that…"

"It's the truth." She reached across and flicked a stray bang out of his face. He glanced up at her. Haruka shrugged and leaned backwards. She could already remember how Keitaro had first met all of the tenants. They had hated him when he initially arrived. But now…now they all had an equal grasp on the somehow lovable landlord and she doubted they would be willing to relinquish said grasp. Keitaro had wormed his way into each of their hearts and it would be quite a while and great deal of effort before he managed to find his way out. The jewel deposit had become a prison, and Keitaro was now stuck with them, now and forever. She chuckled mentally. Even she had been worn down enough to recall better times with him as a child. She relished the times he would come for advice. After all, he _was_ her adorable, little nephew.

"Regardless…" Keitaro opened his eyes and leaned back into his seat, staring at the ceiling. "They're here now and I just have to cope with the fact. I just hope that Faia doesn't start pulling the shit she did back when we were kids…"

Haruka nodded. Those were the times…She often thought to herself if it were possible for one person to die from too many sexual advances. If it were, she would have to start taking out life insurance policies on Keitaro. At least his death wouldn't be for noting; she would be set for the rest of her natural life. In any case… "Keitaro, there's just one more thing I want to ask you. What-"

"Aunt Harukaaaaa! Are you here?"

Haruka turned around to witness Faia bound through the doorway, Aisu following close behind. "Crap." She glanced back at her nephew. "Looks like you have to bail, Ke-" He was gone. All that remained of the young man's presence was the chair that he had been sitting in, spinning on one of its legs like a top before toppling over. Her eye caught a trail of motion and she saw out of the corner of it the hysterical young man diving underneath where she kept the cash register. Well, she supposed it was just as well. At least now she didn't have to come up with some convoluted plan to distract the amorous girl while he ran away. She turned back to the siblings. "Over here, you two," she called.

Faia noticed her first and ran over, grasping the woman in a bear hug. "It's so good to see you Aunt Haruka! I'm sorry I didn't get to greet you better before. I was in such a hurry to go see darling that I completely forgot." She tightened her hold, and Haruka found all of the air in her lungs being forced out. If the girl squeezed any more she would be imitating one of Su's infamous glomps. "Forgive me?"

"It's okay." Haruka did not know how to deal with this girl. With any of the other people she knew, all it took was a little manipulation and she could find out what was needed or lead them into doing something. But Faia was so one-track-minded that it didn't matter what kinds of mind tricks were used, the girl was just too dense and stubborn to be affected or even notice them. She was the only one in the world who could successfully call her 'aunt' without fear of retribution mostly due to the fact that Haruka could never bring herself to hit her because of her simple joy. It was like trying to punish a puppy that had shredded the paper while in the process of retrieving it for its master; it was just too cute to chastise. However, that didn't mean that she strangle her without meaning to!

Aisu recognized the pleading look in Haruka's eyes and peeled his sister off of the older female before settling her down in one of the chairs. He did so as well and smiled cordially. "Well, it's nice to see you again. How have things been going?"

Haruka took a deep breath to regain the lost oxygen from her respiratory system. When she finished, she fiddled with her cup before raising it to her lips. "Fine, I suppose. Not much has changed since I last saw you guys. What's it been? Three years?"

"About."

"Anything different with you?"

"You mean other than the fact that Faia still hasn't given up on marrying Kei?"

"Hey!" Faia's face grew into a pout. She crossed her arms and looked away from the two, giving them the essential cold shoulder. However, this tactic never worked for her as the way she made it completely obvious she was ignoring them negated the entire idea. She huffed through her nose and childishly kicked her chair with the back of her heel. "I resent that remark. Of course I'm not going to give on marrying darling! It's our destiny to become of one mind and body and soul." Her face gained a crimson hue. She brought the tip of her finer to her lips and nibbled dreamily on it. "Especially the body part…" Her tone was teeming with innuendos.

The checkout desk shook and a loud thump resounded throughout the room.

Faia raised her head and looked in the general direction of it. "What was that?"

"Faulty plumbing. You were saying?"

"Oh! Well…" Faia looked down at her lap and giggled. "Darling and I have been promised to each other since we were little, so it only makes sense that we'll be destined for one another. And that means that he'd be the one who takes the many of my firsts…" She placed two fingers against her lips and puckered. "My first kiss…"

The desk shook again.

She brought her hands to her chest and lightly pushed against it. "My first breast grope…"

The desk bounced into the air a few inches.

Faia indiscreetly touched her bottom. "My first panty theft…"

A crack formed on the top of the desk, traversing all the way down the sides.

Faia was now rubbing long length of rope against her cheek. Her mouth and eyes were filled with unbound happiness. "Not to mention my first bondage play…"

Haruka stood up quietly and walked over to the desk, which by now was on the verge of splitting in half. She stood behind, looked straight ahead, notched her foot back, and slammed her foot forward. A muted thump was heard, the sound of something hitting the floor soon afterward. Haruka reached into her apron's pocket and pulled out a cigarette. Lighting it, she took a deep inhalation, lashed her foot out one more time, and traveled back to the table. She ground the cigarette out right after sitting down. "Sorry," she said. "I really should get those pipe checked out. Usually a good stomp will keep them going but now…"

Aisu glanced around her. He noticed a small trickle of liquid seeping across the floor. He pointed. "You seem to have a bit of a leakage problem."

"No worries. I'll get Keitaro to clean it up later. He makes enough messes that he should be an expert in knowing how to get rid of them." She lightly tapped her forehead and gave a long sigh. She looked at Faia, her brow furrowed. "Now, let's talk about where you learned these things. I'm sure your parents would be quite interested to know as well."

"Ah, well…that is…" Faia laughed weakly.

"KYAAAAAAHHHHHH! There's a dead body here!"

All of the heads in the teahouse snapped around as one. One of the employees was backing away from the register, holding her skirt down and between her legs. She had her foot on what appeared to be a human head. However, this head was rather bloodied and lumpy in shape. It twisted around.

Keitaro wasn't in very good shape.

Haruka sighed. Well, it was lucky chance that he head hid for as long as he had. No point in denying anything now. She turned towards the red-head. "Now, Faia," she began. "This isn't what it seems like…"

"Darling!" Faia bullrushed through Haruka, tossing both her, two tables, several clients, and the employee that had discovered Keitaro out of the way to get to her beloved. They all went flying in various directions to land in undignified piles on the ground. A trail of destruction laid in the girl's wake as she made it to Keitaro's side and picked him up. "Oh, darling…" she blubbered pitifully. "How did you come to this…?" Her eyes grew cross and her head whisked to fix on Haruka. "Aunt Haruka!" she screamed. "How could you do this to my poor darling? I won't forgive even you for doing such a terrible thing!"

Haruka held her head as the room continued to spin, trying to gain a grasp and rid herself of these demonic birds that circled her skull. She shook her head, and looked at the girl that was currently rippling with angry women energy. Even she was a bit afraid of the way the girl was staring at her. "It was for his own protection, Faia!"

"How's beating him up for his own protection! I'll have you know that…" She looked around the room and found one of the employees cringing against the wall. She supposed she could allow the wench to care for Keitaro until she had to retrieve him. "Take care of him, will you?" she ordered, shoving the unconscious lad at her before stomping over to have a word or two with Haruka.

The employee fell backwards. She looked down. Keitaro's was lodged in her breasts, his bleeding head staining her lightly colored clothes a deep, dark crimson. His mouth was foaming sporadically. Tears escaped from the girl's eyes as he face trembled with fear. "Nooooo!" Taking the iron tray from which tea and snacks were carried around on, she swung it backwards before firmly connecting it to Keitaro's head. He was dislodged from her anatomy and went soaring across the room.

He crashed through the window, shards of glass tinkering and tinkling about as they shattered on the floor and outside. Everyone heard the repeated thumps as his body fell down the long stone staircase that the Hinata Teahouse was located on. It was quickly followed by the screeching of a horn and then the crashes of an automobile accident. Someone vaguely noticed a figure flying up into the sky through one of the unbroken windows.

Faia and Haruka stopped in their rumblings at the sound of the car crash. Aisu picked up the teapot and poured himself a drink before sipping at it. He shrugged when the two females stared at him, demanding an answer to his nonchalant behavior.

"Yeah, so I guess nothing much has changed at all."

FFFFFFFFFF

The place was dark and smelled of mold and cobwebs. A chill ran through the air, and the scurrying of tiny, clawed feet flowed along with it. The time had come for the following to come to order. They had to discuss what they were going to do about the new intruder. Would they allow it to stay, or would they chase it out like they had done so with so many others? It was their decision and their decision alone that would determine the outcome of the situation, and their rule was not a polite or tender one. There would be costs…

"So, it seems that we have a new boarder in these sacred walls," a voice said. Its owner was shrouded in shadows, hiding its identity.

"Yes," another voice responded. "We will have to make them know who is in charge of this place, or else they shall have to face the consequences."

"But do you really think we should do something so mean? She hasn't really done anything wrong…" This voice was timid and shy, and its shaky tone was laced with a hesitancy that didn't even believe its own words.

"You can do whatever you want with the girl," yet another said. Its tone held numerous counts of mischief in it. "But leave the guy to me. It's been a while since I've had someone new to torture…I mean, play with…" It ended its sentence with an ominous chuckle.

"If we're going to do anything to them, then I'm the one that's going to do the punishing." There was a crackle of bones and joints. It echoed within the empty room, magnified by the lack of sight. "I'll teach her to try and mess with me. It'll be a long time before she tries anything moronic like that again."

"Ara ara," another giggled. "That sounds like fun. Do you mind if I join you?"

"Myuh, myu!"

"Mou…this is getting ridiculous. I'm turning on a light…" There was a fumbling of fingers and an electric light suddenly burst to life. The members of the order recoiled and yelled in pain and horror as the light pierced their eyes and burned their retinas. The light was tuned down and lost some of its luminance. Su sat back on her heels and gave a big smile. "Ah, that's better."

"Crap, Su!" Kitsune cried, rubbing her eyes to help dilate her pupils and rid them of the splotchy shapes that danced across them. "Don't turn the light on so quickly! You almost blinded us!"

"But you wouldn't turn it on when we first came up here and the dark was starting to creep me out," Su explained. She sat cross-legged in her spot, the rest of the girls forming a circle with her. They were in the secret headquarters of the Hinata House Secret Alliance, a.k.a the attic of the dormitory. Su never quite understood why everything always had to be so secret. All it would take to get in was to open the descending door from the boiler room.

"That's not the point, Su," Kitsune said in exasperation. "It was meant to add ambience, to give an atmosphere to the situation."

"I have to agree with Su, fox girl." Kitsune growled at Sarah, who was lying on her back, her hands folded behind her head. The blonde American, though a brat in every sense of the word, was exceptionally bright. She couldn't find any good enough reason that they would have to converse in the pitch dark. It was just stupid, like a particular landlord whom she found great entertainment in bashing over the head. "We should have turned on the light when we first came in. it would have saved us a lot of trouble."

Kitsune grumbled. She chose not to put up any more of fight as it was her fault in the first place. How was she supposed to know the light wasn't even near her? It was located somewhere in the room and she wasn't about to go searching for it. That's how cheesy, grade-B movies started – the hot girl going off into the dark by herself. This wasn't some fantasy created by a sadistic god!

Somewhere else in the world a college student at his computer sneezed. He wiped his nose before returning to his task of cackling maniacally.

Motoko took the opportunity in the lull of the conversation to bring it back to its original point. She cleared her throat, gathering the attention of the others. "In any case, we must come to determine what shall exactly be done with the new boarders. I propose that we evict both of them immediately. No other men should be staying in a girls' dormitory. It's bad enough as it is with Urashima alone. I shudder to think what atrocities could be committed if that new male stayed any longer." She coughed, unconsciously imagining some of those so-called "atrocities." For some reason Urashima was in all of them, and he wasn't necessarily painted in negative fashion. It was a good thing the small lamp didn't light up everything, as her face had become slightly flushed. "And that woman, too. She cannot stay if she will just stir up Urashima's lust. Should she leave later on, we will all have to face his increased perverse personality."

"But…but senpai already said that he wouldn't allow them to leave," Shinobu murmured quietly. Her attention was spilt between the meeting and the fact that she had left her cooking duties to the wayside. Keitaro had offered to take up the slack for her but the idea that her senpai was doing the work for her sake made Shinobu feel all woozy inside. He had been so eager to do it when she said she needed the time to relax, a lie so that she could go meet the others. She wanted to cry for deceiving her sweet senpai. "He said that they were his friends and that he wouldn't let them go away…" Her voice was softer than usual, proof of the fact that she was feeling somewhat threatened by Faia. The girl had come in and swept Keitaro up in her attacker. How could she ever hope to retaliate?

"You just leave that to me," Naru grinned. She crackled her knuckles again. "I have ways of making him obey." She was still pissed from both of the morning's incidents. Her blood boiled with increasing fury as the image of that woman hanging off of Keitaro like a leech burned its way through her brain. She was going to make that hussy pay! It also didn't hurt to have a punching bag to take her aggressions out on. Keitaro wouldn't mind taking a few lops on the head. He never did.

"I don't think those tactics are going to work anymore, Naru," Kitsune smiled. Naru looked at her with confusion swimming around in her eyes. "With what that Faia girl has been doing to him, I doubt a little flashed cleavage is going to change his mind anytime soon." Naru broke down into sputters and denials at this. Kitsune's grin grew more like her namesake as she watched her young friend break down mentally. It was always so much fun to tease her, and it always helped her get back into a good mood. She mentally apologized to Naru for using her as a step stone for her emotions.

Mutsumi sat to the side, silently watching as the verbal war between the best friends escalated farther and farther. Tama sat on her head, content to just watch as well. Though most people thought Mutsumi to be blissfully ignorant of most situations, there was an incredibly intelligent brain in the Okinawan girl's head, and now was at a time when she was putting it to most use. With the arrival of a new contender for Keitaro's feelings, she found it was going to be more and more difficult to be close to the fellow ronin. While she did think that he and Naru made a cute couple, even she had to admit to herself that she wished Keitaro's affections were focused more on her than anyone else. Even she had the ability to like someone too, right? Keitaro was an anomaly amongst most of the boys she knew and associated with, who usually stayed around only to get into her good graces and eventually something more. Keitaro was sweet, cute if not horribly klutzy (but this itself was one of his most endearing aspects), and someone that was kind to her with no ulterior motives. Sure there were the frequents moments when he fell on her, but it was absolutely adorable seeing his flustered and guilty face up close as he apologized with all his might. She giggled at just the memory of it.

Tama was thinking along similar lines. As a special breed of turtle, her thought patterns were significantly advanced compared to regular turtles. She could talk, write, and even solve complicated algorithmic problems as long as a calculator was involved. As amazing as she was, she couldn't help but feel that she had been neglected not only by Keitaro but by everyone else the day before when the twins had arrived.

…

She could feel that things were going to get worse sooner than they were going to get better. And that meant that she would be spending less time with one of her most beloved owners, Keitaro. She had already figured out an equation showing that the more strife he had in his life, the more time he spent away from her. This made her rather sad. Tama gave a little turtly sigh.

"Like I said, cleavage isn't going to work anymore. You're going to have to get a little harder than that."

"…Don't you mean try?"

"I know what I said."

The rest of the room became lost in silence. Su raised her hand. "I don't think either of them should leave. It's fun having new people stay here. I'm sure Keitaro will be happier too now that he has old friends with him." Friends that killed a dozen brain cells a second when in close proximity but hey, what friends _don't_ so that?

"Like I said before…" Sarah scratched her nose idly. "I don't care what you do with the girl, just leave the guy alone. He's mine." She had to test whether his skull was a dense and resilient as Keitaro's was.

"I…I don't mind either way…" Shinobu mumbled. She would just have to do her best to keep her sepia's attention with food and her support.

"I still think both of them should leave but if everyone is so eager to keep them then I suppose I have no choice but to bite my tongue and stay quiet." Motoko had reverted back to her usual stoic self, but the way her sword hand twitched every so often revealed otherwise.

"Oooooh…" Naru bit her bottom lip. She was outnumbered and she knew it. It was almost a repeat of when Keitaro had first arrived and then had to decide whether or not he could stay. And if that was any indicator then she knew things were about to get a lot crazier. "Fine!"

"And I'm guessing from Mutsumi silence that she agrees with everyone?" The turtle girl tilted her head, a peaceful smile turning her lips. Kitsune took that as confirmation. "All right, then! By order of this court, we'll allow the Kiyus to keep staying here at our leisure. But as a precaution, we'll make sure to keep an eye on them for further development." She shoved her hand in the center of the circle, instigating the others to do so as well. When they did so, she nodded. "Then it's decided!"

"Right!"

The floor a little bit away from them swung open and more light poured into the room. Keitaro's head popped through, and he blinked upon seeing all of them there. "Oh, so this is where you guys were," he said in slight amusement. "What are you guys doing?"

"None of your business!" Sarah shot back.

"Okay then…Anyway, come down soon. I managed to get dinner ready." Before he disappeared, he called behind him, "I'll see you there!" The trapdoor closed again, the darkness returning to the room.

The girls looked at each other and nodded. They filed out through the door and headed to the dining room, ready to finish the day with dinner.

FFFFFFFFFF

He took a few steps into the room before collapsing on the floor. His whole body ached, even muscle screaming from pinpricks that traversed up and down his arms and legs. Was it even worth it to crawl the rest of the way to his futon and get into more comfortable clothing? His mind said yes and that he would regret falling asleep right inside the door while his body told his brain to bugger off. It was a toss-up between the two sides and frankly he didn't feel like using the effort to even choose between them.

Keitaro sighed heavily. Things were being carried to hell in a handbasket even more quickly than he had anticipated. Dinner had been just like the other two meals of the day. He had spent the time trying to fend of Faia's advances while making sure he didn't piss off Naru and the other girls. Aisu wasn't much help as he just decided to eat his food and nothing more. He couldn't be faulted for that, however. No one wanted to continuously peel apart the same two people over and over again. It would get even on the nerves of someone like Aisu, let alone someone with less tolerance for sheer stupidity, something that was borderlining the entire day.

What was he supposed to do? He had already made his decision and would now have to live with it. But he was also coming to quickly regret said decision as well. Faia had gotten a lot bigger the past few years as well her increasing feelings towards him. He knew he should be flattered that such a beautiful woman felt so strongly for him but…he just couldn't return those feelings. Faia was too much like a sister to him, and it only freaked him out having to consider what their life would be like after marriage. There would always be that niggling feeling in the pit of his psyche telling him that it was wrong, wrong, wrong!

And what about the girls? This came as a huge shock to them. Although it wasn't too surprising for the inn to gain some new tenants, it was odd for mentioned tenants to be intimately familiar with the landlord, even more so in the certain case between them! He could already sense the feeling of betrayal being seeded in each of them. Betrayal? Was that the right word? It was hard to be betrayed when there was no relationship to betray in the first place.

But he did have a relationship with them, with all of them. Though it may not have been romantic in nature, he was still intricately connected to all of them through the experiences they each shared within the past year. He couldn't throw that away like it was nothing, could he? Of course he couldn't!

Somehow finding the strength, Keitaro stood and walked over to his futon. There he began to strip down. Deciding that it would be too much trouble to change completely, he opted to just remove his pants and shirt, leaving his boxers and t-shirt still on. He knelt down, lifting the covers up and sliding underneath them. He snuggled farther into their warmth, the cotton strangely soothing to him. He sighed.

It didn't matter to think of it anymore. What would come would come, and he had to deal with as it came. Worrying wouldn't make it any better, but he did have to think carefully about what he was going to do if he wanted the relative serenity of the inn to remain as. If he didn't, everything would come tumbling down like a poorly constructed sand-castle on the beach. But now it was time to sleep…

He turned over, his face resting on his soft pillows. Wait, pillows? As in plural? He looked down.

"Oh, for the love of…_Not again!_"

A/N: Well, that's it for the second chapter. May this one have given you a quick peek into the insanity that will come of the story. A warning to those though. If you are uncomfortable with vast amounts of zaniness and peculiar situations, I suggest you stop reading this story. I don't want people writing me saying, "Oh noes! This story is too magically amazing! It makes my head go all kablooie and stuffits!" ...Or not, whatever you feels like. (laughs) Anyway, there are a couple things I want to seriously say. First off, I have not chosen a pairing yet. Perhaps this is because I have no idea what I want it to be, perhaps it's because I don't want one at all and I'm just tricking you. But it's gonna keep you reading, now won't it? Anyway, look for the upcoming chapters of my other LH stories. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be "Tainted Soul." I already have a bunch of pages for that one. Oh, and here's another lovely tale of my muse, Evelyn! In any case, please review and remember, no flames!

Y_amiga is currently tied to a chair, facing a computer screen. His legs and arms are bound, leaving only his fingers free which are currently tapping at a frantic pace across the keyboard in front of him. His mouth is gagged so he cannot say anything against his captor. A ruthless, sadistic captor that can only think of herself and no on-_

Evelyn: _(indignant)_ Hey! What did I tell you about telling me off? It's your own fault for not writing in ages! I finally had to take measures and drug your water supply.

_But you knocked out my entire dorm! People thought it was a campus-wide epidemic! Poison Control rushed in because they though their was a leak from the nearby plant or something!_

Evelyn_: (shrugs; flips hair over shoulders)_ Eh, not a problem of mine. Like I said, any trouble that comes of this is your own damn fault.

_Can you at least take the gag off?_

Evelyn: Oh, fine! _(mutters under breath)_ Big baby…

_She releases the knot to the gag and removes it. Yamiga takes a deep breath before turning to her._

Yamiga: _(frowns) _I heard that, you know.

Evelyn: _(sing-song tone) That was the point_

Yamiga: _(grumbles) _Evil harpy… _(puts on a fake smile)_ Could you let me go now? I wrote the story and I _really_ have to use the bathroom…

Evelyn: And just _what_ do you think the catheter is for?

Yamiga: _(whimpers)_

Evelyn: In case you forgot, you have a bunch more stories to write. You have to make it up to your readers for being so late.

Yamiga: It was only a little while…

Evelyn_: (smacks him upside the head with her mallet)_ It was almost 7 months! I had thought you had gone into a coma you hadn't been active for so long! Do you know how hard it to see if it's possible for humans to hibernate?

Yamiga: College students can. It's called mid-terms.

Evelyn:_ (skeptical look) _Righhhtttt…And I guess these mid-terms extended throughout all of summer?

Yamiga_: (unhappy cry)_ I had work then! It was different!

Evelyn: _(smirks)_ Work, huh? Different, huh? _(hefts mallet up) _Was it different from this…? _(swings the mallet down)_

**This scene has been deleted due to its graphically violent nature.**

Evelyn: _(wipes a bit of sweat from brow)_ Well, that was a bit of workout. I hope you understand your place now.

Yamiga: _(bruised beyond all belief; mutters)_ You're making me angry…

Evelyn:_ (eyebrows rise) _What was that?

Yamiga: _(louder voice) _I said you're making me angry…You wouldn't like me when I'm angry…

Evelyn: Oh, I wouldn't?

Yamiga: No…Grraaaahhh!!!!

_The ropes strained against his bulging muscles, threatening to snap at any given moment…The tendons in his arms pressed on his flesh, easily shown by the rush of blood to the areas surrounding them. He burst free, ready to-_

Yamiga: Yah!-- _(freezes as piercing pain shoots through his body)_ Ow! Charlie horse! Charlie horse! Ow! Ow! Ow! _(body tenses up, still trapped in the confines of the rope)_

Evelyn: _(blinks in disbelief)_ Did you just try to go Amazing Hulk on me?

Yamiga: …Yes.

Evelyn: _(shakes head; lands on Yamiga's shoulders and flicks his ear)_ Get back to work.

Yamiga: Yes'm. _(glances at her) _…would you mind?

Evelyn: _(flaps hand)_ Sure, sure. _(looks at audience)_ Please Review!

_Next Chapter: Ringing the Gong with the Prize_


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